Drove to Chicago

What: Hostess Pudding Pie (Chocolate)
When: Mar. 16, 2008
Where: Somewhere between Arkansas and Illinois.
Cost: $0.99

While driving I found myself feeling a bit peckish. Bobby passed up this Pudding Pie that I had secreted in the basket of oddities that I keep in the back of the van. This is where the weird food that I buy awaits eating, nestled among packets of lemon juice and honey, cutlery and a couple books of Madlibs.

If you want to learn more about someone's psyche than you probably should, try playing Madlibs with them. It's enlightening.

Basia excitedly photographed me as I unwrapped the package and took my first bite. Mike thought it looked like a Pillsbury Pizza Pocket, and it did. Except it was full of chocolate pudding.

The whole thing was surprisingly heavy, making me glad that I didn't check the calorie count on the back. I really enjoyed the first few bites. The pie crust was more dense than ideal, but it was crisp and had a tasteful, light glaze. I like chocolate pudding, and found myself thinking that this was probably the best method of pudding delivery currently available.

Unfortunately (why is there always an "unfortunately"?), as I ate towards the centre of the pie the pudding-to-crust ratio increased and I became aware of an oddly tangy flavour that should not accompany a good chocolate pudding. It eventually became too much to ignore, and I was forced to throw out the half-eaten pie.

The proof of the pudding pie is in the eating, and it seems that Hostess has let me down again. A smart person might just accept that it is impossible for baked goods to be fresh and tasty yet well-preserved enough to stock a bomb shelter, and would therefore stop purchasing them.

I won't be stopping anytime soon.

5.8/10

HR

Whither Texas

What: Mrs. Freshley's Red Velvet Creme Cakes
When: Late-February, 2008
Where: Near Philadelphia
Cost: $0.99

These snack cakes looked like moist, lightly squished Twinkies, dyed a deep red. Well actually, the first thing I thought of when I looked at these cakes was that they looked like two perfect, vacuum-sealed bloody stool samples.

I'm sorry.

Red velvet cake is a type of chocolate cake. If I remember correctly, the red colour used to be a natural by-product of the cocoa reacting with other ingredients. Buttermilk, probably. The cocoa that we use nowadays is different, thus requiring large amounts of food colouring to turn boring old brown chocolate cake into the vivid red seen here.

Surprisingly, Mrs. Freshley seems to have done away with the cocoa altogether. These impostor cakes tasted exactly like Twinkies, with a VERY strong aftertaste of food-colouring. And creme filling, of course.


What: Hostess Banana Twinkies
When: Late-February, 2008
Where: Near Nashville
Cost: $0.99

These looked and tasted like regular Twinkies with the creme filling replaced with banana-flavoured children's antibiotics.

Pretty gross.

This is the last of my backlogged reviews. I have decided to take it easy on the creme filled cakes. Mostly because I hate the word "creme" so much.

Next Up: Dinty Moore Scalloped Potatoes and Ham

HR

Ever wonder what the Hulk's balls taste like?

Wonder no longer.

What: Hostess Lucky Puffs
When: Feb. 29, 2008
Where: NYC
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Allison)

I have always avoided the Sno-ball rack of the Twinkie aisle. In truth, I never would have tried these green, St. Patty's-themed puffs if they had not been purchased for me. I can't imagine why anyone would willingly choose a Sno-ball over pretty much anything else that a gas station has to offer.

They are four layers of neon grossness.













Layer #1: Green Coconut.

There is just enough coconut to turn a coconut-hater off, but not enough to make the puff coconut-flavoured. So what is the point? Maybe it is there to give the food colouring something to adhere to.

Layer #2: Marshmallow.

Typical low-quality marshmallow. It was really dry and spongy, and made it hard to swallow. After the first two bites I peeled it off. Mike almost ate it, but was stopped by the pork gelatin listed in the ingredients. He still doesn't realize how lucky he was.

Layer #3: Chocolate Cake.

Are all Sno-balls chocolate flavoured? I had always assumed that they were white. This one was very dry, chocolatey cake. Not really great, but I did finish it once I had removed the marshmallow.

Layer #4: Creme Filling.

Your standard Hostess creme. I wanted there to be a LOT more of it. This shows how bad and dry the puff was, considering that the creme usually tastes vaguely like chemicals and should not be eaten in large amounts.














My advice to those reading at home: Don't eat these.

My advice to the Leprechaun on the package: If sitting on your pot of gold turns your "puffs" green, it's probably not real gold.

Next up: Big Cherry.

HR