Furtive Pickles

What: Van Holten's Kosher Pickle
When: July 11th
Where: Winnipeg
Cost: $1.29

While going through security at the airport yesterday the guard held open my purse and asked if I had a drink or something inside. Before checking in I had done a quick perusal of the contents of my (admittedly huge and over-stuffed) bag and didn't find any bottles, so I peered past her hands to see what she was talking about.

"Oh, no." I said, "I'm sorry, it's just a pickle."

But not just any pickle. A huge, mutant pickle, floating in brine inside a plastic pouch like an embalmed cucumber fetus. I kept seeing them in gas stations across America but was always inevitably stopped from buying one by disapproving band members.

Once, while perusing the gargantuan pickle selection I looked up to see Bobby just silently shaking his head at me. When Allison would catch me lingering too long in the pickle aisle she would yell, "Don't buy it, you know what it's going to taste like!"

But eventually I couldn't resist the allure of the monster pickle, so I snuck into a gas station sometime near the end of our last American tour and secretly bought the biggest pickle I could find.

For some unknown reason I didn't eat the pickle right away. Instead I carried it around with me like a hidden talisman, all the way back to London and then onto an airplane headed for Winnipeg. Alas, I feared my garlicky good luck charm would not last another trip, so I was forced to eat it this afternoon.

I broke open the pouch, poured out the juice with only a small amount of spillage, and took a big bite. It tasted like a pickle.

A pickle that had been softened by the insides of my purse and the disgusted but tender proddings of an airport security agent. The skin was extremely tough and leathery and the whole thing reminded me of a regular pickle that had somehow escaped being eaten and been left to grow into its natural old age.

Thus ends my brief infatuation with gas station pickles and begins yet another round of dining on questionable convenience store food. We are without our van for all these upcoming festival dates (and therefore will not be frequenting many gas stations) but I will do my best to sample the finest oddities Winnipeg, Dawson City and Calgary have to offer.

3.2/10

HR

Honey, Let Me Be Your Salty Log

What: Pearson's Salted Nut Roll (King Sized)
When: May 8, 2008
Where: Milwaukee, WI
Cost: Unknown

I know that I should be approaching everything I plan to review with an open mind, but sometimes the name, picture or very idea of some foods make them sound so gross that they will languish for weeks under my bench in the van. Unopened and often smushed, these unlucky items are what I turn to when I am hungry, bored and too lazy to go out wandering amongst the local riff raff in search of a more palatable meal.

It doesn't help that local food offerings are often dauntingly hard to find or ridiculously portioned. It was a good burrito, but three straight meals of burrito are too many.

Milwaukee was fun, but I found myself hanging out in the dressing room by myself (for once) with nothing to do. So I dug around in my purse and found this huge Salted Nut Roll.

It was made of nougat and covered in peanuts, with a thin layer of caramel in between to bind them together. After eating a few bites I realized that I was actually really enjoying it.

Thanks to Dave for buying this, and Staci for recommending it and giving me the courage to try it.

7.9/10

HR

Hotlanta

What: Stuckey’s Pecan Divinity
When: May 13, 2008
Where: Atlanta, GA
Cost: Unknown (Purchased by Justin)

I happened to be walking by the stage door last night when I overheard the security person say that he had something for Holly. Well, his Southern drawl made it sound more like “Hally” but I still couldn’t help sticking my nose in. And I’m very glad that I did, because otherwise I would not have met Justin who was dropping off a special package of food for my blog.

There was a box with a half-dozen GooGoo Peanut Clusters that I am meant to share with the band but may hoard for myself because I like them so much. He also included a little bit of local flavour with a package of slightly melty Pecan Divinity.

They are manufactured here in Atlanta. I first thought they were marshmallow, but they were actually made of vanilla-flavoured nougat topped with a pecan. Sweet and tasty, they reminded me of the inside of those weird sugary jelly bean eggs you get at Easter.

The entire experience brightened my already sunny day.

8.2/10

HR

T.G.I.F.

Yesterday was Fryday. The bet that I made to eat no fries for a month was finally over, so I decided to break my fry fast spectacularly. The stars must have been smiling on me, because I emerged from my hotel room in Cookeville, TN to find the sun shining like a beacon above a McDonald’s, a Wendy’s and a Burger King. All in the same parking lot.

Dave, Allison and I split up to the various restaurants and met back at the van loaded up with the biggest fries available. These were subsequently dumped into a spare paper bag and mixed together.

Possibly the best idea I’ve ever had.

The fries were great. First I ate a big, soft Wendy’s french fry, followed by a fistful of extra-salty McDonald’s fries. Of course I was completely unable to finish them, which drew the ire of my bandmates when they discovered the half-empty bag under my seat.

Following this breakfast of champions we went horseback riding in Georgia, stuffed ourselves full of steak and mashed potatoes and then fell asleep about 15 minutes into Batman Begins. It was an indulgent day, to say the least.

I wish that I had given the extra fries to Allison “I will eat your leftover french fries always” Wonderland, but other than that I regret nothing.

10/10

HR

A Mad and Old Faithful Telling

What: Super Start - A Complete "Hi-Potency" Vitamin and Mineral Packet
When: May 4, 2008
Where: En route to Boise, ID
Cost: Unknown (Purchased by Dave, the bastard.)

Oh, trucker pills. I giggle at them at cash registers because they are ridiculously huge and seem like a very bad idea. Does anyone need to force down 12 pills that contain (by my best estimate) 6000% of the recommended daily intake of every conceivable vitamin, mineral and any other supplement you can think of? Who are the people that buy these things?

Well, I guess Dave is one of those people.

As soon as I realised that he had bought them for me I tried to return the package, but the gas station clerk just laughed at me. So I was stuck with them.

This was at least a week ago. A lot of multivitamins give me a stomach ache and there is something unsettling about swallowing so many different pills, but I was sick of being nagged at about them so I decided to just do it during the long drive to Idaho.

One by one I swallowed the pills as Dave and Allison cheered me on. The pills were as follows:

Beta Carotene 25,000
B-Complex 100 (Sustained Release)
(2) C-Complex 2000 (Sustained Release)
Super Energy Plus
Vitamin E Complex 1000
Vitamin B-12 1000/Octacosanol 1000
Amino Acids 1000
Bee Pollen 1000
(2) Mineral Complex 1000
+ A free herbal energy booster called Ultra Herbal Start

I washed them down with Diet Coke and then immediately fell asleep.

My burps tasted like vitamins for the rest of the day and my urine looked like neon yellow Gatorade from the B-vitamins, but other than that I didn't really feel any different. The Herbal Energy Booster may have made me a little more energetic, but I was also coasting on the adrenalin that surged through my body as soon as I started swallowing a dozen weird looking pills.

I still have my fingers crossed that I will develop muscles like the ones pictured on the package, but that hope is quickly fading.

1.1/10

HR

[Update: Basia has requested that I make it clear that she did not approve of this pharmacological experiment, further ingratiating herself with my mother.]

A Hundred and One Pounds of Fun

What: Little Debbie Iced Honey Bun
When: Apr. 25, 2008
Where: Salt Lake City, Nevada
Cost: $0.59

I got back into the van after a brief stop to find this Honey Bun waiting for me on my seat. It's scary, but I am quickly learning that I will eat anything that Dave tells me to, including things that I have consciously been avoiding. This bun falls into that category. I see them at every stop and have always felt pretty confident that I know what they taste like. Putting one into my body would be unnecessary and if not harmful than at least not beneficial to my general health and wellbeing.

But there it was, so I ate it.

Honey Buns come either glazed or iced. Neither look particularly appealing, but the iced ones look like they have been dipped in white out. The icing is so thick and opaque that it almost completely smooths out the contours of the bun beneath it.

The bun was softly cinnamoned and not bad. I would have eaten more of it if it weren't drowned in the worst shortening-based icing I have ever tasted. It coated our mouths and drove us to check the nutritional information on the back of the package.

The single bun was 500 calories (240 from fat) and had almost half of my daily fat intake.

Silver lining: It did have 2% of my daily vitamin C.

4.6/10

HR

Rock and Roles

What: Marinela Choco Roles
When: Early April, 2008
Where: Somewhere on the 401
Cost: Unknown (I forget)

All I can really remember about the purchase of these cakes is that I bought them somewhere in the Southern States. This memory is backed up by the spelling of "Roles". It seems like Spanish, although without Basia (our go-to linguist) around I'm just guessing.

Instead of a more common chocolate or cherry filling, these rolls were pineapple flavoured. This intrigued me. I lost them in the van for a month or so but rediscovered them a few weeks ago. Fortunately, they hadn't quite expired.

Described as "Cream and Pineapple Puree Filled Swiss Rolls", the cakes depicted on the package appear to be bursting with whipped cream and pineapple preserves.

The actual cake bore little resemblance to the cheery confection promised. What little pineapple there was seemed more like runny pineapple-flavoured jello, and the cream was spare and grainy. The cake was dry and coated with brown wax masquerading as chocolate.

If I squeezed the roll in just the right place I could get the pineapple filling to burble out in amusing, snot-like bubbles. Fun, but a definite appetite-killer.

3.6/10

HR