Furtive Pickles

What: Van Holten's Kosher Pickle
When: July 11th
Where: Winnipeg
Cost: $1.29

While going through security at the airport yesterday the guard held open my purse and asked if I had a drink or something inside. Before checking in I had done a quick perusal of the contents of my (admittedly huge and over-stuffed) bag and didn't find any bottles, so I peered past her hands to see what she was talking about.

"Oh, no." I said, "I'm sorry, it's just a pickle."

But not just any pickle. A huge, mutant pickle, floating in brine inside a plastic pouch like an embalmed cucumber fetus. I kept seeing them in gas stations across America but was always inevitably stopped from buying one by disapproving band members.

Once, while perusing the gargantuan pickle selection I looked up to see Bobby just silently shaking his head at me. When Allison would catch me lingering too long in the pickle aisle she would yell, "Don't buy it, you know what it's going to taste like!"

But eventually I couldn't resist the allure of the monster pickle, so I snuck into a gas station sometime near the end of our last American tour and secretly bought the biggest pickle I could find.

For some unknown reason I didn't eat the pickle right away. Instead I carried it around with me like a hidden talisman, all the way back to London and then onto an airplane headed for Winnipeg. Alas, I feared my garlicky good luck charm would not last another trip, so I was forced to eat it this afternoon.

I broke open the pouch, poured out the juice with only a small amount of spillage, and took a big bite. It tasted like a pickle.

A pickle that had been softened by the insides of my purse and the disgusted but tender proddings of an airport security agent. The skin was extremely tough and leathery and the whole thing reminded me of a regular pickle that had somehow escaped being eaten and been left to grow into its natural old age.

Thus ends my brief infatuation with gas station pickles and begins yet another round of dining on questionable convenience store food. We are without our van for all these upcoming festival dates (and therefore will not be frequenting many gas stations) but I will do my best to sample the finest oddities Winnipeg, Dawson City and Calgary have to offer.

3.2/10

HR

Honey, Let Me Be Your Salty Log

What: Pearson's Salted Nut Roll (King Sized)
When: May 8, 2008
Where: Milwaukee, WI
Cost: Unknown

I know that I should be approaching everything I plan to review with an open mind, but sometimes the name, picture or very idea of some foods make them sound so gross that they will languish for weeks under my bench in the van. Unopened and often smushed, these unlucky items are what I turn to when I am hungry, bored and too lazy to go out wandering amongst the local riff raff in search of a more palatable meal.

It doesn't help that local food offerings are often dauntingly hard to find or ridiculously portioned. It was a good burrito, but three straight meals of burrito are too many.

Milwaukee was fun, but I found myself hanging out in the dressing room by myself (for once) with nothing to do. So I dug around in my purse and found this huge Salted Nut Roll.

It was made of nougat and covered in peanuts, with a thin layer of caramel in between to bind them together. After eating a few bites I realized that I was actually really enjoying it.

Thanks to Dave for buying this, and Staci for recommending it and giving me the courage to try it.

7.9/10

HR

Hotlanta

What: Stuckey’s Pecan Divinity
When: May 13, 2008
Where: Atlanta, GA
Cost: Unknown (Purchased by Justin)

I happened to be walking by the stage door last night when I overheard the security person say that he had something for Holly. Well, his Southern drawl made it sound more like “Hally” but I still couldn’t help sticking my nose in. And I’m very glad that I did, because otherwise I would not have met Justin who was dropping off a special package of food for my blog.

There was a box with a half-dozen GooGoo Peanut Clusters that I am meant to share with the band but may hoard for myself because I like them so much. He also included a little bit of local flavour with a package of slightly melty Pecan Divinity.

They are manufactured here in Atlanta. I first thought they were marshmallow, but they were actually made of vanilla-flavoured nougat topped with a pecan. Sweet and tasty, they reminded me of the inside of those weird sugary jelly bean eggs you get at Easter.

The entire experience brightened my already sunny day.

8.2/10

HR

T.G.I.F.

Yesterday was Fryday. The bet that I made to eat no fries for a month was finally over, so I decided to break my fry fast spectacularly. The stars must have been smiling on me, because I emerged from my hotel room in Cookeville, TN to find the sun shining like a beacon above a McDonald’s, a Wendy’s and a Burger King. All in the same parking lot.

Dave, Allison and I split up to the various restaurants and met back at the van loaded up with the biggest fries available. These were subsequently dumped into a spare paper bag and mixed together.

Possibly the best idea I’ve ever had.

The fries were great. First I ate a big, soft Wendy’s french fry, followed by a fistful of extra-salty McDonald’s fries. Of course I was completely unable to finish them, which drew the ire of my bandmates when they discovered the half-empty bag under my seat.

Following this breakfast of champions we went horseback riding in Georgia, stuffed ourselves full of steak and mashed potatoes and then fell asleep about 15 minutes into Batman Begins. It was an indulgent day, to say the least.

I wish that I had given the extra fries to Allison “I will eat your leftover french fries always” Wonderland, but other than that I regret nothing.

10/10

HR

A Mad and Old Faithful Telling

What: Super Start - A Complete "Hi-Potency" Vitamin and Mineral Packet
When: May 4, 2008
Where: En route to Boise, ID
Cost: Unknown (Purchased by Dave, the bastard.)

Oh, trucker pills. I giggle at them at cash registers because they are ridiculously huge and seem like a very bad idea. Does anyone need to force down 12 pills that contain (by my best estimate) 6000% of the recommended daily intake of every conceivable vitamin, mineral and any other supplement you can think of? Who are the people that buy these things?

Well, I guess Dave is one of those people.

As soon as I realised that he had bought them for me I tried to return the package, but the gas station clerk just laughed at me. So I was stuck with them.

This was at least a week ago. A lot of multivitamins give me a stomach ache and there is something unsettling about swallowing so many different pills, but I was sick of being nagged at about them so I decided to just do it during the long drive to Idaho.

One by one I swallowed the pills as Dave and Allison cheered me on. The pills were as follows:

Beta Carotene 25,000
B-Complex 100 (Sustained Release)
(2) C-Complex 2000 (Sustained Release)
Super Energy Plus
Vitamin E Complex 1000
Vitamin B-12 1000/Octacosanol 1000
Amino Acids 1000
Bee Pollen 1000
(2) Mineral Complex 1000
+ A free herbal energy booster called Ultra Herbal Start

I washed them down with Diet Coke and then immediately fell asleep.

My burps tasted like vitamins for the rest of the day and my urine looked like neon yellow Gatorade from the B-vitamins, but other than that I didn't really feel any different. The Herbal Energy Booster may have made me a little more energetic, but I was also coasting on the adrenalin that surged through my body as soon as I started swallowing a dozen weird looking pills.

I still have my fingers crossed that I will develop muscles like the ones pictured on the package, but that hope is quickly fading.

1.1/10

HR

[Update: Basia has requested that I make it clear that she did not approve of this pharmacological experiment, further ingratiating herself with my mother.]

A Hundred and One Pounds of Fun

What: Little Debbie Iced Honey Bun
When: Apr. 25, 2008
Where: Salt Lake City, Nevada
Cost: $0.59

I got back into the van after a brief stop to find this Honey Bun waiting for me on my seat. It's scary, but I am quickly learning that I will eat anything that Dave tells me to, including things that I have consciously been avoiding. This bun falls into that category. I see them at every stop and have always felt pretty confident that I know what they taste like. Putting one into my body would be unnecessary and if not harmful than at least not beneficial to my general health and wellbeing.

But there it was, so I ate it.

Honey Buns come either glazed or iced. Neither look particularly appealing, but the iced ones look like they have been dipped in white out. The icing is so thick and opaque that it almost completely smooths out the contours of the bun beneath it.

The bun was softly cinnamoned and not bad. I would have eaten more of it if it weren't drowned in the worst shortening-based icing I have ever tasted. It coated our mouths and drove us to check the nutritional information on the back of the package.

The single bun was 500 calories (240 from fat) and had almost half of my daily fat intake.

Silver lining: It did have 2% of my daily vitamin C.

4.6/10

HR

Rock and Roles

What: Marinela Choco Roles
When: Early April, 2008
Where: Somewhere on the 401
Cost: Unknown (I forget)

All I can really remember about the purchase of these cakes is that I bought them somewhere in the Southern States. This memory is backed up by the spelling of "Roles". It seems like Spanish, although without Basia (our go-to linguist) around I'm just guessing.

Instead of a more common chocolate or cherry filling, these rolls were pineapple flavoured. This intrigued me. I lost them in the van for a month or so but rediscovered them a few weeks ago. Fortunately, they hadn't quite expired.

Described as "Cream and Pineapple Puree Filled Swiss Rolls", the cakes depicted on the package appear to be bursting with whipped cream and pineapple preserves.

The actual cake bore little resemblance to the cheery confection promised. What little pineapple there was seemed more like runny pineapple-flavoured jello, and the cream was spare and grainy. The cake was dry and coated with brown wax masquerading as chocolate.

If I squeezed the roll in just the right place I could get the pineapple filling to burble out in amusing, snot-like bubbles. Fun, but a definite appetite-killer.

3.6/10

HR

French Fries and Foxy Friends

While eating breakfast fries out of a greasy paper bag I received a counter offer from my friend, Howard, to stop eating only french fries and instead not eat any fried potatoes for a month. This seemed infinitely less detrimental to my health so I immediately lamed out on the previous bet and got right to eating some equally bad gas station foods.

What: Le Bizz BBQ
When: Apr. 14, 2008
Where: Quebec City
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Laura)

I really wish that I spoke better French, because I would love to know what exactly was in this package. They appeared to be BBQ-flavoured cheese curds. A good friend of mine happens to be living in Quebec City this semester and came to the show with this "gift" for me. Thanks lady.

I have only ever had cheese curds on poutine, so I didn't know how they taste when not all melty and covered in gravy. Dave had some plain curds on his salad (most of the food we ate in Quebec had cheese curds on it) so he gave me one to compare the BBQ-flavoured ones to. I didn't like either, and the only real taste difference that I noticed was that the BBQ ones were much, much saltier.

The opened package looked like someone threw up cheese curds into a plastic pouch. It sort of resembled BBQ chicken to me, making me want to keep trying them even though I really didn't like the taste. Dave and Nick (who will always have my deepest respect for unashamedly purchasing a big bag of beef jerky and a 2-litre bottle of chocolate milk the first time I stopped at a gas station with him) seemed to really like them, and polished off the entire bag. I happily let them.

2.1/10

[Update: Dave gives the curds a 5.8/10. I still stand by my original rating.]



What: Juicy Drop Pop (Citrus Shock)
When: Apr. 13, 2008
Where: Near Montreal
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Dave)

The last thing I want in the morning is a syringe full of sour orange syrup, but I'm incapable of turning down something that has been lovingly picked out and paid for by someone else.

We figured out that you're meant to pull the ring at the bottom, exposing the sucker hidden there. Then you squirt the orange liquid into the little depression on the side to add a burst of sour flavour to the otherwise lackluster lollipop.

It was like licking liquid Tang powder off of a slightly sweet plastic spoon. The two flavours didn't complement each other, and there were too many steps and not enough rewards to keep my attention.

I eventually resorted to squirting the syrup directly into my mouth until I started feeling sick.

3.4/10



What: Cadbury Popping Mini Eggs
When: Apr. 14, 2008
Where: Montreal
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Mike)

I have a feeling that most people tried these over Easter, but I never got the chance so I was happy when Mike picked me up a package somewhere on the way home. I was even happier when he proclaimed that "you suck them slowly and then there's a surprise explosion in your mouth at the end."

I'll miss you Dude.

6.5/10

HR

I may not have my pride, but at least I have $50.

Last night the drive to Montreal was long and we all were going a little stir-crazy. Bets were made to ease the boredom. I made $30 by walking into a Tim Horton's and ordering a large double-double wearing nothing but my underwear. I will have a further $20 if I can manage to eat only french fries until I get back to London on Monday night. So, instead of posting about something new that I have eaten I guess I will be writing about the food I am dreaming of while brushing the fry salt off my pants.

What: Vitaminwater (Lemonade)
When: As often as I can get my hands on it
Where: The USA
Cost: ~$0.99

It's probably no better for me than regular old water, but it's the best lemonade I have ever tasted. Unlike typical commercial lemonades which are too tart and mouth-coatingly sweet, Vitaminwater is refreshing and lemony without being overpowering. And it has vitamins so it must be good for me.

9.3/10


Sometimes we are fortunate enough to get a free meal out of venues. It's often generic bar food, but occasionally we luck out and get something a little healthier. This chicken caesar wrap with a side of carrots was courtesy of Virginia and the rest of the staff at the Grad Club in Kingston. Very much appreciated.

I'm so hungry.

HR

I Am the Walrus

What: GooGoo Peanut Butter
When: Mar. 28, 2008
Where: Eaten near Kingston, purchased en route to Chicago
Cost: $0.85

Chicago is the home of Fun, Inc., the World's most famous purveyor of fake vomit. Each rubbery puddle of latex barf is lovingly hand ladled to make the quality products found in gag shops everywhere. It seems fitting then that I acquired this Peanut Butter GooGoo Cluster while driving to Chicago a few weeks ago. I'm not sure whether it reminds me of fake vomit or something a little more crude, but I decided to try it anyway last week.

And I loved it! It was a pretty basic confection, similar to a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup but with whole peanuts squeezed in beneath the chocolate. The filling was smooth and very tasty. I'm surprised that they aren't more readily available.

I will be keeping my eyes open for another GooGoo Cluster when we venture back into the States in a couple of weeks, despite the unappetizing name and appearance.

9.1/10

HR

Totally Tubular, Dude.

What: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Candy Sticks with Tattoo
When: Apr. 3, 2008
Where: Hamilton, ON
Cost: $0.99

I never really noticed the sneaky ways in which cigarettes are marketed towards children. Cheap, grape-flavoured cigarettes? Those could only be enjoyed by someone young enough to need to pay the neighbourhood hookers to buy cigarettes for them. Too young for that even? These "Candy Sticks" should do the trick.

Raphael and his sai immediately caught my attention in the store. There was a picture of Splinter on the other side and it was the only package left in the display. I bought it, hoping the combined nostalgia of TMNT and coolness of the faux-cigarettes would earn me points with the band.

Despite my frantic posturing I don't think it worked. They don't look like cigarettes at all. They look like skinny sticks of chalk, without even the little bits of red at the tip that I remember from the Popeye Sticks of my childhood. They did taste the same as I remembered: dried sugar paste.

Then our friendly soundguy, Brad, showed up wearing a TMNT sweatshirt, thus obliterating all hope I had of impressing anyone.

The worst part? There was no tattoo. I ripped the package apart to make sure. There weren't any whole sticks in the box, but I carefully poured the broken shards into the outside plastic wrap first to preserve them. These were subsequently tipped onto the floor, and I think a little part of the kid inside me finally gave up and died.

Childhood is overrated anyway.

4.3/10

HR

Grape Cigarettes

The following post was written by Miss Allison Wonderland. I don't really condone smoking, but I have to admit that having one smoker in the band does give us a little more street cred. Expect to see more of these posts in the coming months, since Allison is as curious about odd tobacco products as I am about unusual food.

What: Swisher Sweets (Grape)
When: Mar. 11, 2008
Where: Purchased in Michigan, smoked in Bloomington, Indiana
Cost: $3.49 for 2

Touring is an unhealthy business. However, as a smoker, being unhealthy is a full time job for me. Although I tend to avoid the gut-destroying food that Holly puts into her body, I find roadside gas stations to be a great source of odd tobacco products.

At a small gas station just across the US-Canada border, we stumbled across a “Huge Cigarettes Sale.” Exciting!

Of all of the varieties and flavours available, the one that caught my eye was a pack of grape flavoured Swisher Sweets Cigars. Two for the price of one! How could a red-blooded tobacco enthusiast such as myself resist?

As soon as I removed the shrink-wrap, an extremely strong cough-syrupesque aroma filled the air. It was to be expected, I suppose, since I’ve rarely come across anything grape-flavoured that DIDN’T smell and taste that way. Grape Jolly Ranchers have never made the contents of my purse smell like grape, though.

No bones about it, these were not very good. Only the filters were flavoured, so the actual smoke didn’t taste of anything but generic cigar smoke. I’m not disappointed by it, since the grape-flavouring tasted about as good as it smelled. A homeless gent walked by as I was smoking, and asked for a cigarette. I offered him one of these, and he politely declined. I find that pretty telling.

So, being stuck with two packs of these presents a personal dilemma. The cheap Irish-Catholic in me can’t bring herself to throw out something I paid money for (sale or no sale). On the other hand, there is no way I’m ever going to smoke the rest of these, even if I’m out of cigarettes and jonesin’ for something to smoke. I managed to unload one on a curious friend of mine, but I’m still stuck with the other. In the meantime, I’m preparing to have a wallet that smells like grape for a while.

AW

Dee-licious!

What: Faygo Redpop!
When: Mar. 27, 2008
Where: Purchased in Arkansas, consumed en route to Ottawa
Cost: $0.99

The writing on the can actually reads "Genuine Faygo Dee-licious Redpop! Naturally and Artificially Flavored Strawberry Soda". I cracked it open while bored and thirsty in the van. Water would probably have been a better choice, but I have a reputation to protect.

I should have learned by now that opening a can of weirdly flavoured pop while sitting in the back of the van is a bad idea. There are no cup holders, so if the strange brew proves too gross to be finished I am stuck holding it in my hands until the next stop. I tried passing the can around the van for the rest of the band to try, desperately hoping that someone would drink the rest. It eventually came back to me only slightly emptier but with a lot more cooties.

It tasted like bad cream soda. After a couple of sips I thought I could taste a faint undercurrent of melted strawberry candy, but on the whole it did not live up to the "Strawberry Soda" label. It was definitely red pop though. Unsettlingly red pop. It smelled a lot worse than it tasted and was way too sweet to be refreshing.

3.2/10

This post is dedicated to Chris, who has grudgingly become my uncredited photographer and assistant (see his finger holding the pop can above), as well as the rest of the band who also take pictures, pick out food for me, and feed me vitamins to keep the ever-looming danger of scurvy at bay. Thanks guys.

HR

Now With More Bull Bile

What: Snickers Charged
When: Mar. 26, 2008
Where: Peterborough, ON
Cost: $0.99

Does chocolate-covered caramel and nougat really need added caffeine, taurine and B-vitamins? Snickers seems to think so. I picked up this special edition chocolate bar in the States, where the caffeine laws are not as strict as they are in Canada.

Circumstances prevented me from getting coffee this morning, so I decided to try the chocolate bar instead.

I split it with our Soundy, Chris. I can't actually remember the last time I tried a Snickers bar, but he assured me that it tasted exactly like a normal Snickers should (despite being slightly deformed from traveling through extreme weather conditions with us).

The caffeine did indeed prevent me from falling asleep during the relatively brief drive to Peterborough, although a large coffee would have been warmer and thus more satisfying.

7.1/10

HR

Happy Easter!

I hope the Easter Bunny was kinder to you all.

My time off has been spent stuffing myself full of vegetables, preparing for the next few weeks. I can't wait to see what Ontario's Gas Stations have to offer.

HR

Drove to Chicago

What: Hostess Pudding Pie (Chocolate)
When: Mar. 16, 2008
Where: Somewhere between Arkansas and Illinois.
Cost: $0.99

While driving I found myself feeling a bit peckish. Bobby passed up this Pudding Pie that I had secreted in the basket of oddities that I keep in the back of the van. This is where the weird food that I buy awaits eating, nestled among packets of lemon juice and honey, cutlery and a couple books of Madlibs.

If you want to learn more about someone's psyche than you probably should, try playing Madlibs with them. It's enlightening.

Basia excitedly photographed me as I unwrapped the package and took my first bite. Mike thought it looked like a Pillsbury Pizza Pocket, and it did. Except it was full of chocolate pudding.

The whole thing was surprisingly heavy, making me glad that I didn't check the calorie count on the back. I really enjoyed the first few bites. The pie crust was more dense than ideal, but it was crisp and had a tasteful, light glaze. I like chocolate pudding, and found myself thinking that this was probably the best method of pudding delivery currently available.

Unfortunately (why is there always an "unfortunately"?), as I ate towards the centre of the pie the pudding-to-crust ratio increased and I became aware of an oddly tangy flavour that should not accompany a good chocolate pudding. It eventually became too much to ignore, and I was forced to throw out the half-eaten pie.

The proof of the pudding pie is in the eating, and it seems that Hostess has let me down again. A smart person might just accept that it is impossible for baked goods to be fresh and tasty yet well-preserved enough to stock a bomb shelter, and would therefore stop purchasing them.

I won't be stopping anytime soon.

5.8/10

HR

I Miss Vegetables

What: Funyuns Brand Onion Flavored Rings
When: Mar. 13, 2008
Where: Somewhere in Texas
Cost: $1.29

Funyuns are not uncommon. I see them every time I look for chips, but neither I nor any of my friends have ever tried one.

They look and taste exactly like crispy onion rings, without the real onion centre. I enjoyed the crunchiness, and liked that the onion flavour was not overpoweringly strong.

7.1/10

What: Dale Jr’s Big Mo’ (Peanut Butter)
When: Mar. 15, 2008
Where: Austin, TX
Cost: $1.29

I suspect that the same people who buy Funyuns are the target market for this Dale Earnhardt Jr.-endorsed chocolate bar. It was also only available in king-size.

I think that chocolate tastes better the warmer it is (which is why I don’t really like chocolate chips in my ice cream). The Texas sun warmed this chocolate up perfectly, so it was soft but not melty. The filling was smooth and delicious, making me glad that I had chosen peanut butter instead of caramel. I would definitely buy this chocolate bar again.

You know, I wonder what Dale Jr. does to pass the time in the car. Sleep (a.k.a. Nature’s Timewaster) is number one for Allison and me. When I’m driving I play a game I like to call “Counting Stuff”. Recent counts have included dead skunks in Oklahoma (7), anti-pornography billboards in Texas (5) and deer in Arkansas (36!). Alas, my cute trucker count remains at zero.

8.3/10

What: Atkinson’s Chick-O-Stick
When: Mar. 15, 2008
Where: Forest City, Arkansas
Cost: $0.25

This was recommended to me by someone who knows that I like trying weird food from service stations. He also told me that I probably wouldn’t like it, and he was right. It was a rod made of something similar to the inside of a Butterfinger, with coconut added. Not my favourite. I do like suggestions though, so please keep them coming.

3.2/10

I was sad to leave Austin this afternoon. We played some fun shows, ate a lot of BBQ and made new friends. It was also great to meet up with friends from other touring bands, since we are so rarely in the same city at the same time.

Also, please check out Who Killed the Mix Tape?. We met Justin and Ben in Boston, where they interviewed Basia and encouraged me to start this blog.

Next Up: Hostess Pudding Pie

HR

Update: I have added random (a.k.a. Pitchfork-style) numbers to the reviews. This will continue in all posts from now on.

Got Our Kicks

What: Dinty Moore Scalloped Potatoes and Ham
When: Mar. 13, 2008
Where: Purchased in Michigan, eaten in Austin, TX
Cost: $1.89

When Mike pointed this tub out to me I knew immediately that I had to buy it. It took me a few days to finally work up the courage to try it.

Believe it or not, I was anticipating this moment all day. 15-hours is a long time to be in a van without something to look forward to.

I don't really like scalloped potatoes, nor do I eat a lot of ham. When I took the small plastic tub out of the microwave an oily film had developed on the surface of the sauce. After I mixed it up it looked a little bit more like food, although it was still worryingly grey.

Honestly, these potatoes weren't as bad as they looked. They just tasted like reconstituted potatoes in a generic gravy-like sauce, with chunks of really salty ham. I actually ate about half the tub without realizing it.

An excellent choice? I'll have to take their word for it, since I cannot foresee myself ever trying another brand of Scalloped Potatoes and Ham.







What: Sifers Valomilk
When: Mar. 13, 2008
Where: Austin, TX
Cost: $0.89

These were the most interesting things I saw all day. I bought them in a gas station that we stopped at as soon as we crossed into Texas. Old-timey packaging and weird slogans ("The Original 'Flowing Center' Candy Cups") get me every time.

These cups had the weirdest filling. It was solid and liquid at the same time. It didn't really matter that it had a horrible, sort of milky flavour. I had quite a bit of fun just watching it ooze out into a little white puddle.

If I were a science teacher I would buy these to give out at Halloween. Otherwise I think I would stay clear of them.



What: de la Rosa Dulce de Cacahuate/Peanuts Confection
When: Mar. 13, 2008
Where: Austin, TX
Cost: $0.65

Allison and Basia have both repeatedly pointed out to me that the food I review doesn't necessarily have to be bad. I seem to be drawn to the gross stuff, but after the last two tests I had to agree with them. I was desperate for something tasty.

Fortunately this Mexican confection fit the bill. It was a very crumbly puck that tasted like it was made purely of icing sugar and powdered peanut butter (if such a thing exists). Very enjoyable for someone with a sweet tooth as well-developed as mine.

Thank god.

Next Up: Atkinson's Chick-O-Stick

HR

Whither Texas

What: Mrs. Freshley's Red Velvet Creme Cakes
When: Late-February, 2008
Where: Near Philadelphia
Cost: $0.99

These snack cakes looked like moist, lightly squished Twinkies, dyed a deep red. Well actually, the first thing I thought of when I looked at these cakes was that they looked like two perfect, vacuum-sealed bloody stool samples.

I'm sorry.

Red velvet cake is a type of chocolate cake. If I remember correctly, the red colour used to be a natural by-product of the cocoa reacting with other ingredients. Buttermilk, probably. The cocoa that we use nowadays is different, thus requiring large amounts of food colouring to turn boring old brown chocolate cake into the vivid red seen here.

Surprisingly, Mrs. Freshley seems to have done away with the cocoa altogether. These impostor cakes tasted exactly like Twinkies, with a VERY strong aftertaste of food-colouring. And creme filling, of course.


What: Hostess Banana Twinkies
When: Late-February, 2008
Where: Near Nashville
Cost: $0.99

These looked and tasted like regular Twinkies with the creme filling replaced with banana-flavoured children's antibiotics.

Pretty gross.

This is the last of my backlogged reviews. I have decided to take it easy on the creme filled cakes. Mostly because I hate the word "creme" so much.

Next Up: Dinty Moore Scalloped Potatoes and Ham

HR

I Ate Yr. Cherry Bomb

What: Christopher's Big Cherry
When: Late-February, 2008
Where: Purchased in Idaho
Cost: $0.99

The Idahoian equivalent of the yellow-boxed chocolate-covered cherries I occasionally see (but have never tried) in corner stores at home. They have always been the example I use when talking about candies that look so unappetizing that I can't understand why a store would stock them at all. I waited about a week after buying this Big Cherry before I tried it.

Immediately after I cautiously bit into it, someone called it a "bloody-jizz-filled turd". While not entirely accurate (the pink filling was solid, not runny), this caused me to giggle uncontrollably, unable to finish the bite I was chewing. I didn't try to take another one.

Other than being sickly-sweet, the Big Cherry was actually fairly inoffensive. The outside layer was not solid chocolate. Rather, it was a hefty, malleable mixture of chocolate, crushed nuts and coconut.

The filling was shockingly pink and tasted faintly like cherries. It had the texture of a year-old Cadbury Creme Egg.

All this was centered around a cherry, of course.

The whole thing reminded me of a cherry-flavoured nanaimo bar wrapped around a candied cherry. Not bad, but not something I would buy again.

We're heading back down into the States tomorrow, on our way to Austin, TX. I will be dutifully keeping my eyes open and my stomach full while I'm gone.

Next Up: Mrs. Freshley's Red Velvet Creme Cakes

HR