And It Tastes Great on a Cracker

What: Ooze Toobz (Strawberry)
Where: Toronto
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Eric and Katie)

I went over to my friends' house for nachos a few days ago only to find this tube of goo placed in front of me.

Immediately everyone around the table started speculating about the type of person who would buy a toothpaste tube full of neon pink syrup. Why does this product exist? Do you eat it with your fingers? Are all of our children going to have diabetes?

"You're going to eat that whole tube." One of my friends said to me.

"Haha" I replied. "Gross."

And then I kind of did.

It was hard not to. It was basically just really runny, extra-sweet strawberry jelly. You put a little bit on your finger to taste it, then a little bit more, then all of a sudden you look down and half the tube is gone and there are sticky pink spots all over your lap and the floor around you.

Picture Gushers lovingly harvested by Oompa Loompas and hand-squeezed into this tube. I like to imagine it this way so I can pretend it is a gourmet product and not just a tooth-rotting amount of high fructose corn syrup and dye.

The tube was passed around and everyone agreed it was ok, although no one would ever buy it for any other reason than to watch me eat it.

I tried it on some leftover tortilla chips and it was good. But not better than cheese.

6.2/10

HR

Dee-licious!

What: Faygo Redpop!
When: Mar. 27, 2008
Where: Purchased in Arkansas, consumed en route to Ottawa
Cost: $0.99

The writing on the can actually reads "Genuine Faygo Dee-licious Redpop! Naturally and Artificially Flavored Strawberry Soda". I cracked it open while bored and thirsty in the van. Water would probably have been a better choice, but I have a reputation to protect.

I should have learned by now that opening a can of weirdly flavoured pop while sitting in the back of the van is a bad idea. There are no cup holders, so if the strange brew proves too gross to be finished I am stuck holding it in my hands until the next stop. I tried passing the can around the van for the rest of the band to try, desperately hoping that someone would drink the rest. It eventually came back to me only slightly emptier but with a lot more cooties.

It tasted like bad cream soda. After a couple of sips I thought I could taste a faint undercurrent of melted strawberry candy, but on the whole it did not live up to the "Strawberry Soda" label. It was definitely red pop though. Unsettlingly red pop. It smelled a lot worse than it tasted and was way too sweet to be refreshing.

3.2/10

This post is dedicated to Chris, who has grudgingly become my uncredited photographer and assistant (see his finger holding the pop can above), as well as the rest of the band who also take pictures, pick out food for me, and feed me vitamins to keep the ever-looming danger of scurvy at bay. Thanks guys.

HR