A Hundred and One Pounds of Fun

What: Little Debbie Iced Honey Bun
When: Apr. 25, 2008
Where: Salt Lake City, Nevada
Cost: $0.59

I got back into the van after a brief stop to find this Honey Bun waiting for me on my seat. It's scary, but I am quickly learning that I will eat anything that Dave tells me to, including things that I have consciously been avoiding. This bun falls into that category. I see them at every stop and have always felt pretty confident that I know what they taste like. Putting one into my body would be unnecessary and if not harmful than at least not beneficial to my general health and wellbeing.

But there it was, so I ate it.

Honey Buns come either glazed or iced. Neither look particularly appealing, but the iced ones look like they have been dipped in white out. The icing is so thick and opaque that it almost completely smooths out the contours of the bun beneath it.

The bun was softly cinnamoned and not bad. I would have eaten more of it if it weren't drowned in the worst shortening-based icing I have ever tasted. It coated our mouths and drove us to check the nutritional information on the back of the package.

The single bun was 500 calories (240 from fat) and had almost half of my daily fat intake.

Silver lining: It did have 2% of my daily vitamin C.

4.6/10

HR

Rock and Roles

What: Marinela Choco Roles
When: Early April, 2008
Where: Somewhere on the 401
Cost: Unknown (I forget)

All I can really remember about the purchase of these cakes is that I bought them somewhere in the Southern States. This memory is backed up by the spelling of "Roles". It seems like Spanish, although without Basia (our go-to linguist) around I'm just guessing.

Instead of a more common chocolate or cherry filling, these rolls were pineapple flavoured. This intrigued me. I lost them in the van for a month or so but rediscovered them a few weeks ago. Fortunately, they hadn't quite expired.

Described as "Cream and Pineapple Puree Filled Swiss Rolls", the cakes depicted on the package appear to be bursting with whipped cream and pineapple preserves.

The actual cake bore little resemblance to the cheery confection promised. What little pineapple there was seemed more like runny pineapple-flavoured jello, and the cream was spare and grainy. The cake was dry and coated with brown wax masquerading as chocolate.

If I squeezed the roll in just the right place I could get the pineapple filling to burble out in amusing, snot-like bubbles. Fun, but a definite appetite-killer.

3.6/10

HR

French Fries and Foxy Friends

While eating breakfast fries out of a greasy paper bag I received a counter offer from my friend, Howard, to stop eating only french fries and instead not eat any fried potatoes for a month. This seemed infinitely less detrimental to my health so I immediately lamed out on the previous bet and got right to eating some equally bad gas station foods.

What: Le Bizz BBQ
When: Apr. 14, 2008
Where: Quebec City
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Laura)

I really wish that I spoke better French, because I would love to know what exactly was in this package. They appeared to be BBQ-flavoured cheese curds. A good friend of mine happens to be living in Quebec City this semester and came to the show with this "gift" for me. Thanks lady.

I have only ever had cheese curds on poutine, so I didn't know how they taste when not all melty and covered in gravy. Dave had some plain curds on his salad (most of the food we ate in Quebec had cheese curds on it) so he gave me one to compare the BBQ-flavoured ones to. I didn't like either, and the only real taste difference that I noticed was that the BBQ ones were much, much saltier.

The opened package looked like someone threw up cheese curds into a plastic pouch. It sort of resembled BBQ chicken to me, making me want to keep trying them even though I really didn't like the taste. Dave and Nick (who will always have my deepest respect for unashamedly purchasing a big bag of beef jerky and a 2-litre bottle of chocolate milk the first time I stopped at a gas station with him) seemed to really like them, and polished off the entire bag. I happily let them.

2.1/10

[Update: Dave gives the curds a 5.8/10. I still stand by my original rating.]



What: Juicy Drop Pop (Citrus Shock)
When: Apr. 13, 2008
Where: Near Montreal
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Dave)

The last thing I want in the morning is a syringe full of sour orange syrup, but I'm incapable of turning down something that has been lovingly picked out and paid for by someone else.

We figured out that you're meant to pull the ring at the bottom, exposing the sucker hidden there. Then you squirt the orange liquid into the little depression on the side to add a burst of sour flavour to the otherwise lackluster lollipop.

It was like licking liquid Tang powder off of a slightly sweet plastic spoon. The two flavours didn't complement each other, and there were too many steps and not enough rewards to keep my attention.

I eventually resorted to squirting the syrup directly into my mouth until I started feeling sick.

3.4/10



What: Cadbury Popping Mini Eggs
When: Apr. 14, 2008
Where: Montreal
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Mike)

I have a feeling that most people tried these over Easter, but I never got the chance so I was happy when Mike picked me up a package somewhere on the way home. I was even happier when he proclaimed that "you suck them slowly and then there's a surprise explosion in your mouth at the end."

I'll miss you Dude.

6.5/10

HR

I may not have my pride, but at least I have $50.

Last night the drive to Montreal was long and we all were going a little stir-crazy. Bets were made to ease the boredom. I made $30 by walking into a Tim Horton's and ordering a large double-double wearing nothing but my underwear. I will have a further $20 if I can manage to eat only french fries until I get back to London on Monday night. So, instead of posting about something new that I have eaten I guess I will be writing about the food I am dreaming of while brushing the fry salt off my pants.

What: Vitaminwater (Lemonade)
When: As often as I can get my hands on it
Where: The USA
Cost: ~$0.99

It's probably no better for me than regular old water, but it's the best lemonade I have ever tasted. Unlike typical commercial lemonades which are too tart and mouth-coatingly sweet, Vitaminwater is refreshing and lemony without being overpowering. And it has vitamins so it must be good for me.

9.3/10


Sometimes we are fortunate enough to get a free meal out of venues. It's often generic bar food, but occasionally we luck out and get something a little healthier. This chicken caesar wrap with a side of carrots was courtesy of Virginia and the rest of the staff at the Grad Club in Kingston. Very much appreciated.

I'm so hungry.

HR

I Am the Walrus

What: GooGoo Peanut Butter
When: Mar. 28, 2008
Where: Eaten near Kingston, purchased en route to Chicago
Cost: $0.85

Chicago is the home of Fun, Inc., the World's most famous purveyor of fake vomit. Each rubbery puddle of latex barf is lovingly hand ladled to make the quality products found in gag shops everywhere. It seems fitting then that I acquired this Peanut Butter GooGoo Cluster while driving to Chicago a few weeks ago. I'm not sure whether it reminds me of fake vomit or something a little more crude, but I decided to try it anyway last week.

And I loved it! It was a pretty basic confection, similar to a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup but with whole peanuts squeezed in beneath the chocolate. The filling was smooth and very tasty. I'm surprised that they aren't more readily available.

I will be keeping my eyes open for another GooGoo Cluster when we venture back into the States in a couple of weeks, despite the unappetizing name and appearance.

9.1/10

HR

Totally Tubular, Dude.

What: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Candy Sticks with Tattoo
When: Apr. 3, 2008
Where: Hamilton, ON
Cost: $0.99

I never really noticed the sneaky ways in which cigarettes are marketed towards children. Cheap, grape-flavoured cigarettes? Those could only be enjoyed by someone young enough to need to pay the neighbourhood hookers to buy cigarettes for them. Too young for that even? These "Candy Sticks" should do the trick.

Raphael and his sai immediately caught my attention in the store. There was a picture of Splinter on the other side and it was the only package left in the display. I bought it, hoping the combined nostalgia of TMNT and coolness of the faux-cigarettes would earn me points with the band.

Despite my frantic posturing I don't think it worked. They don't look like cigarettes at all. They look like skinny sticks of chalk, without even the little bits of red at the tip that I remember from the Popeye Sticks of my childhood. They did taste the same as I remembered: dried sugar paste.

Then our friendly soundguy, Brad, showed up wearing a TMNT sweatshirt, thus obliterating all hope I had of impressing anyone.

The worst part? There was no tattoo. I ripped the package apart to make sure. There weren't any whole sticks in the box, but I carefully poured the broken shards into the outside plastic wrap first to preserve them. These were subsequently tipped onto the floor, and I think a little part of the kid inside me finally gave up and died.

Childhood is overrated anyway.

4.3/10

HR