Gas Station Gourmet

I can think of witches good and bad

2010-11-18T13:30:00.002-05:00

What: Wicked Whoopie (Peanut Butter)
Where: The Highway, Pennsylvania
Cost: $2.09

Cupcakes are passé, you guys.

Everybody who follows the ups and downs of the hand-held cake industry knows that the new queen in the fairy cake kingdom is the whoopie pie. Or maybe there is something even newer and hipper now, I don't know. I let my subscription lapse.

Either way, this was my first sighting of a whoopie pie in the wild. They seemed relatively fresh-looking, despite the unfortunate placement between peeled hardboiled eggs and cans of Redbull in a gas station just off the interstate somewhere.

Anybody who has ever tried to pack a cupcake into a lunchbox or been shown how to properly eat a cupcake will recognise the whoopie pie's obvious selling point. It is extremely portable.

It's basically an icing sandwich.

A lot of the people I cajoled into helping me eat it (it was deceptively huge) compared it to a Jos. Louis. Although they are missing the chocolate coating and are considerably denser, whoopie pies are indeed very similar. Delicious. The addition of peanut butter to the icing was a nice twist.

I definitely see myself making a few whoopie pies in the future, but I still prefer the original. I think a cupcake's inability to be carelessly tossed into a sack somehow adds to its appeal.

7.6/10

HR

I Cannot Tell a Lie

2010-09-28T01:09:00.008-04:00

What: Raspberry Jelly Graham Cookies
Where: Manhattan, NY
Cost: $2.99/lb.

There was only one thing I really wanted to see in New York this time around. I first heard of Economy Candy through David Lebovitz and I was determined to check it out sometime during our three days in the city.

After we soundchecked at the Mercury Lounge on Thursday we had a few hours to kill, so I thought I would see if I had time to get to the store and back. I couldn't believe it when I realized that it was actually right around the corner from the venue.

I purchased many things.

These cookies jumped out at me as I was checking out and I'm glad I followed my gut.

They traveled around in the van with us for a few days and I was worried they would get too melty so I brought them into the dressing room at DC9 last night. A couple of the Acorns and Gabe tucked in and seemed to really enjoy them. After I bit into one myself I could see why.

The cookie was a layer of semi-firm raspberry jelly on top of a graham cracker, covered in chocolate. It was a perfect mix of crunchy, sweet and fruity. They also made my bag smell delicious.

If you're ever in Manhattan and you are jonesing for some wax lips you should check out Economy Candy. It's small but packed to the roof, and it carries a lot of the classics along with more novel or hard to find candies.

8.5/10

HR

Sweetgrass and Feet

2010-09-21T01:06:00.018-04:00

What: Boston Baked Beans
Where: Boston, MA
Cost: $0.25

I am so happy to be on the road with Basia Bulat and The Acorn. What a great way to get over my writer's block while exploring the gas stations of the Eastern United States, right?

We were in Boston a few days ago. I wandered into the fanciest 7-11 I have ever seen - where they keep their "Canada" mints in glass jars next to the Swedish Fish. It was comforting to learn that no matter how classy a 7-11 looks it still smells like slurpees and sweaty hot dogs.

Boston is a great town.

While we were there I figured it was as good a time as any to buy a box of Boston Baked Beans. I'm embarrassed to admit that it was only very recently that I realised that they were not the same thing as regular old baked beans.

They are not beans at all. They are basically bright red peanut M&Ms without the chocolate. I liked them, but I only ate a couple before they spilled all over my purse.

Life is as it should be.

6.8/10

HR

Nästa Avfart

2010-05-08T14:38:00.003-04:00

What: Pigall
Where: Malmö, Sweden
Cost: 12.00 SEK

I purchased this chocolate bar because I thought the name was funny and I could not figure out what flavour it was. The package showed the insides as a light pink with what looked like nuts or something. Perhaps it would be strawberry-macadamia nut? I really had no clue.

When I finally tried it I was so glad I followed my impulse at the cash register. It was hands down the best chocolate bar I've had all tour (and I've had plenty.)

There were actually two small chocolate bars inside the package, each filled with a buttery cocoa paste. What appeared to be nuts on the package were actually almost invisible rice crisps.

Yesterday we didn't play a show which means lots of driving and no free food. I bought another Pigall bar to augment my meagre "day off" meal of cheese (cut with a fork) on pitabrød that I found in the van.

Rock and roll.

9.8/10

HR

Super Troopers

2010-05-06T14:23:00.006-04:00

What: Lakrits
Where: Jönköping, Sweden
Cost: 12.00 SEK

I bought this chocolate bar in a gas station in Jönköping but I was hesitant to try it. I don't really like black liquorice and this was a chocolate bar full of it. But, as always, boredom got the best of me during the long drive to Oslo today so I pulled it out of my purse, determined to have a nibble.

The chocolate bar was visibly studded with small, irregular chunks of very dark black liquorice. Kind of cool looking.

It wasn't as bad as I feared. The chocolate tempered the strong taste of the liquorice quite well and the textures were not too dissimilar. The weirdest part was how salty it was. I had forgotten that a lot of liquorice in some European countries is salty, but now that I've tried it I can see why it's so popular. For a non-liquorice lover it was a pleasant surprise.

Of course chocolate makes everything better. And this bar was "chok-o-licious".

6.8/10

HR

Chips and Dales

2010-05-02T17:57:00.012-04:00

What: Romney's Kendal Mint Cake (Brown)
Where: Tan Hill Inn, Yorkshire Dales
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Basia)

The Tan Hill Pub is the highest pub in Great Britain. We were lucky enough to be playing inside a converted barn at a music festival there, full of old friends and motherless lambs.

Basia found this Mint Cake at some point after our set. The package was too special to ignore and I gleefully unwrapped it as soon as she gave it to me.

When Paul (our resident expert on all things British) told me that it was pure sugar I thought he just meant that it was really sweet. But he wasn't exaggerating.

I opened the package to find a sparkly block of what appeared to be tightly compressed brown sugar. A peek at the ingredients list showed that it was indeed just sugar and peppermint oil - two of my favourite things - unsullied by chocolate or other fillers. Excellent.

The smell of mint wafted up to me as I read the package. Apparently this is the exact brand of mint cake that Tenzing Norgay would have eaten while climbing to the summit of Mount Everest. It's a funny claim to fame, but definitely felt appropriate for our remote locale.

I broke off a block and took a bite. It was softer than I had expected and melted immediately in my mouth. Minty and very sweet, it was delicious but one piece was more than enough for me.

9.4/10

HR

I Believe in Ferries

2010-04-30T14:38:00.005-04:00

What: Prawn Cocktail Pringles
Where: Between Belfast and Dublin
Cost: £1.99

In North America these chips would not be flying off the shelves. We are not used to a potato chip selection that includes roast chicken and steak. Fortunately "crisps" in the UK are often meat-flavoured and this one was particularly exotic. We were all pretty tired which is usually a bad time to be tasting new, potentially gross foodstuffs but I threw caution into the wind and popped this can open in the van.

The verdict: not actually gross.

It would be more accurate if these chips were labeled Prawn Cocktail Sauce flavoured, since they really just taste of tomato sauce. Maybe a slight prawny smell, but definitely not too fishy tasting.

If you're Canadian and like Ketchup chips than I would suggest these as a nice alternative.

7.8/10

HR

Baby Sheeps

2010-04-28T09:54:00.007-04:00

Four days ago I didn't know I was going to Europe, yet here I am. It has been a whirlwind past few days.

We arrived in Paris around 11am Monday morning. We hadn't really slept on the plane and were due on a train to London a few hours later, but we decided to make the most of our brief time in the city.

A croque-madame, a crème brûlée and a coffee, then a nap on the grass in Place des Vosges. We worked out some new ukulele-autoharp arrangements surrounded by the best-dressed teenagers I have ever seen, then witnessed an impromptu recital performed on a leaf.

Did you know that a single leaf - pulled out of a drink and blown upon - can sound like a lithograph recording of a trumpet?

Then - a short train ride under the sea, a brief, hug-filled reunion with fave European tour manager DT and some lovely, stripped-down shows in London and Manchester.

At some point before our show in London I wandered outside for food. I must have peeked into a dozen restaurants, yet somehow I arrived back at the venue with just three chocolate bars and a Fanta.

They were delicious.

The only way this trip could have been better so far is if more band members were here and I didn't feel like I forgot my brain in Toronto (although I can feel it slowly growing back now).

I will be keeping my eye out for unusual foods (of course) so check back soon.

England, Ireland, Germany, Sweden, Norway, Poland, yeoooow!

HR

And It Tastes Great on a Cracker

2010-04-14T11:48:00.000-04:00

What: Ooze Toobz (Strawberry)
Where: Toronto
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Eric and Katie)

I went over to my friends' house for nachos a few days ago only to find this tube of goo placed in front of me.

Immediately everyone around the table started speculating about the type of person who would buy a toothpaste tube full of neon pink syrup. Why does this product exist? Do you eat it with your fingers? Are all of our children going to have diabetes?

"You're going to eat that whole tube." One of my friends said to me.

"Haha" I replied. "Gross."

And then I kind of did.

It was hard not to. It was basically just really runny, extra-sweet strawberry jelly. You put a little bit on your finger to taste it, then a little bit more, then all of a sudden you look down and half the tube is gone and there are sticky pink spots all over your lap and the floor around you.

Picture Gushers lovingly harvested by Oompa Loompas and hand-squeezed into this tube. I like to imagine it this way so I can pretend it is a gourmet product and not just a tooth-rotting amount of high fructose corn syrup and dye.

The tube was passed around and everyone agreed it was ok, although no one would ever buy it for any other reason than to watch me eat it.

I tried it on some leftover tortilla chips and it was good. But not better than cheese.

6.2/10

HR

I like my Coffee Crisp crisp.

2010-03-29T01:24:00.012-04:00

What: Coffee Crisp Chocolate Milk
Where: 7-Eleven, Toronto
Cost: Unknown (was in my fridge for a while)

Continuing my series of why-chew-when-you-can-drink drinks we have Coffee Crisp in liquid form. I was surprised at the number of chocolate bars they have made drinkable these days. Rolo, Caramilk, and Crispy Crunch (apparently the "crispy" and "crunchy" factors are not an integral part of that chocolate bar) were also available for purchase in the chocolate milk section.

Coffee Crisps are one of my favourite chocolate bars so I was excited to try this drink - even though I cannot really drink milk.

It was basically frothy chocolate milk, like those Milkshake juice boxes that were popular when I was in Elementary school. My mum wouldn't buy them but I never minded much because they always tasted a little weird to me*.

This drink is to milk what processed cheese is to cheddar. The main ingredient is milk and they tell you to "shake it!" before you "drink it!" but it is still not a milkshake. It did taste vaguely of Coffee Crisp, but the real chocolate bar that I bought to compare it with was much more enjoyable.

My roommate, Sebastian, finished off the glass for me. That dude loves chocolate milk.

5.8/10

HR

*I was a child who ate lumps of sugar straight from the jar and could happily subsist on fruit rollups alone, so that probably means something.

[Update] If you are not Canadian you should watch this...

A Very Special Blog Post

2010-03-21T17:27:00.014-04:00

What: Conguitos
Where: Spain
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Basia)

The last time Basia and the gang were in Europe they brought me back a bag full of Polish caramels and other funny continental confections. It was like Christmas. Every thing I pulled out of the bag was more interesting than the last. Some looked delicious, others made my nose wrinkle. All were beautiful.

Then - a tradgedy.

Somehow the entire bag of candies got lost in the bustle of the backstage area and got left behind when we played at Metropolis in Montreal.

When I bemoaned this horrible discovery, Basia's mom (a deeply caring and infinitely practical woman) told me to stop worrying because there was a Polish deli that she can take me to in Etobicoke to get all that kind of stuff. It might not be quite the same but I will still be taking her up on her offer soon.

This bag of Conguitos was forgotten in Allison's suitcase and thus survived.

I'm not quite sure what to say about Conguitos. I don't speak Spanish, but the name looks like it's a diminutive for someone from the Congo*. Coupled with the picture on it I can't imagine what would happen if these were ever introduced to American markets.

And the company seems to really like the character they have chosen to brand themselves with. It appears that they have modified it a bit recently, but the fact remains that they have an old black stereotype printed on every single peanut.

The peanuts themselves were very good. They were nicely toasted and covered in chocolate.

I really enjoyed eating them, but the packaging is impossible to ignore. Unless they completely revamp their marketing for this product I would not buy these peanuts if I saw them in a store.

1.5/10

HR

*Am I right?

Candies from Colorado

2010-03-13T01:08:00.013-05:00

What: Jolly Ranchers Pop (Watermelon)
Where: 7-Eleven, Toronto
Cost: Don't remember

I was cleaning out my refrigerator yesterday and I found this bottle of Jolly Rancher pop. It's been kicking around for a while now, but the guilt I feel for taking up valuable space finally overwhelmed me so I cracked the bottle open and took a sip.

I was alone, but I immediately said out loud "Oh, freaky."

It shouldn't be surprising that the company that makes Jolly Ranchers knows how to make things taste like Jolly Ranchers... but still, it was eerie how closely the pop matched the candies. I actually happened to have a package of watermelon Jolly Rancher candies in a drawer in my room, so I did a thorough taste test to confirm this.

Other than that it's pretty much how you would expect it to taste - very sweet and carbonated. Not very refreshing (translation: slightly better than cream soda, decidedly worse than water).

Later, while eating a Jolly Rancher I accidentally swallowed one whole. It kind of got stuck in my throat and without thinking I took a swig of the pop to help wash it down. Alone in my apartment I coughed and spluttered, and thought "I hope they write something about this on my tombstone."

Fortunately that will not be necessary.

It's not as satisfying or purse-friendly, but perhaps the safest way for me to enjoy Jolly Ranchers candy is in liquid form. I wish it came in grape.

7.5/10

HR

Ch-ch-changes

2010-03-04T14:53:00.007-05:00

I have been fiddling around with HTML all day. If the blog looks weird please let me know in the comments and I'll send you some jelly beans.

HR

[Update] I just realized the 2 year anniversary of this blog was yesterday. Holy crap.

Ginger Pride

2010-02-27T15:20:00.007-05:00

What: Halls Cough Drops (Canada Dry Ginger Ale flavour)
Where: Toronto
Cost: Unknown

I have been sick sick sick for the last few days. Bad times. I have to admit, however, that when I felt that first tickle in my throat a not-so-small part of me was excited, because I would finally be able to eat these Ginger Ale-flavoured Halls.

They have been floating around in my purse since I first spotted them at a newsstand inside the TTC a few months ago. I dug them out mid-way through a coughing spell and was pleased to see that other than a few scuffs on the package they were in good condition.

Never has my coughing been cured so sweetly.

These cough drops are my new favourite thing. They work just as well as regular Halls and they taste like the flat ginger ale my dad used to give me when I was sick as a child. If not for the mentholyptus I would eat these year round.

I'm going to brave the elements to go get some zucchini (my body is telling me to make chocolate zucchini loaves and I am listening) and while I'm out I will definitely be on the lookout for more of these cough drops.

9.1/10

HR

Kickin' buttz

2010-02-25T14:41:00.006-05:00

What: Kickbutt Amped Energy Ballz (Cherry)
Where: Elmvale, ON
Cost: ~$3 (purchased by Eric)

My friend Katie invited me to her parents' house for Family day last Monday. I am blessed to have lovely friends, so it should come as no surprise that their families are just as fun to hang out with.

After a leisurely morning we walked through the town to check out the restaurant that had just burned down. I looked at antique tea cups then we gave some cream to the feral cat colony.

I love small towns.

On the way back we stopped at the local gas station and Eric bought these ballz for me. I ate them as we drove south through Barrie back to Toronto

They looked like two large, cherry gumballs, and for a fleeting second I wondered if perhaps they actually were. Maybe they would give off protein and vitamins while being chewed. Like Nicorette for body builders.

Without thinking I popped the first ball into my mouth.

It was a bad idea. The ball was like a candy-coated power bar. It didn't even taste like cherries, it was just gross. I think that the small size meant that there was not enough filling to mask the taste of the caffeine and other additives. It took me forever to finish it and the lingering taste of chemicals in my mouth made me decide not to eat the second one.

Soon I realized that I didn't know what the inside of the ball looked like, so I took another bite. It was chalky and brown, and seeing it made it even harder to swallow the second time around.

For something that claims to be a "Certified Natural Heath Product" those ballz sure were disgusting.

I had to rustle around inside the huge bags of food Katie's mom sent us home with to find something to clear the taste from my mouth. Fortunately Pat is a wonderful cook (and host) so it was not hard to find something delicious to cleanse my injured palate.

1.7/10

(10/10 for the muffin)

HR

Bisous

2010-02-20T16:53:00.008-05:00

What: Hershey's Kisses with Cherry Cordial Flavoured Creme
Where: Toronto
Cost: $1.49

I love holidays that are celebrated with candy. It isn't necessary, but sometimes I enjoy having an actual reason to indulge my sweet teeth.

And then there are the sales.

Scrounging through discount bins full of limited edition holiday candy is one of my favourite pastimes.

I wandered in to a Sobey's near my work a few days ago and was rewarded with a heavily-discounted package of Hershey's Kisses, filled with cherry cordial flavoured creme*.

Other than a splash of lime cordial in my club soda now and then (vodka optional) I associate cordial with Anne of Green Gables. I remember very clearly the way my 9-year old self thought raspberry cordial might taste - syrupy sweet and potently fruity. I think I was expecting the filling to taste similar to that imagined cordial, but perhaps more cherry-like.

Unsurprisingly, it didn't.

What was more surprising was the fact that it barely tasted like cherry anything. Far from a chocolate-covered cherry (they are filled with cherry cordial and I assume that this is what Hershey's was aiming for) it was mostly just very sweet and vaguely coconutty.

Definitely not something you could confuse with currant wine.

7.1/10

HR

*I've said it before, but I have an irrational hatred of the word "creme". I have even gone so far as to change my foster cat's name from "Creme Brulee" to "Steve". He hasn't noticed yet.

Olympic Dough Rings

2010-02-13T18:29:00.002-05:00

Can anyone tell me why sprinkle donuts used to be called "Hawaiian"?

If you live in Canada I'm sure you have seen these donuts in every Tim Horton's. Basia bought this one for me somewhere last week.

Eight years ago when they announced that the Olympics would be in Vancouver (my hometown) I assumed I would be back there by 2010. But here I am still in Ontario, without even a TV to watch it on.

But I ate that donut.

And I enjoyed it, although I wish the sprinkles were maple-flavoured. Or even just sugar-flavoured. What kind of sprinkles have zero taste?

Go Canada!

HR

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

2010-02-06T13:52:00.011-05:00

What: Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears
Where: Peterborough, ON
Cost: ~$3

I was fortunate enough to play a few shows with the lovely Basia this week. We arrived in Peterborough a few hours early on Wednesday, so I wandered around a bit to see what the city had to offer.

To my surprise and delight, there was a large candy store just around the corner from the venue.

Amongst the (too) expensive imported British chocolate and limited edition Star Trek Pez dispensers I hit the jackpot with these gummy bears.

Although I have never tried chocolate-covered gummy bears before, I was fairly certain I would like them.

I love gummy bears. Haribo Gold-Bears are my favourites, but I have never eaten a bear-shaped candy that I didn't like. Also, I have been saving up money over the last few months to buy a five-pound gummy bear.

I am not joking.

In case of emergency candy/chocolate cravings I always seem to have secreted* a Big Turk within arm's reach somewhere. These bears were basically adorable, bite-sized versions of that chocolate bar.

The reaction backstage was mixed (and may have involved much singing of the Gummi Bears theme song), but I loved them.

9.7/10

I'm curious to see what sugary secrets Hamilton might hold tomorrow. Sadly, we will be without our friends and recent touring pals, the Luyas, but check out their blog to see the non-candy related fun that goes on offstage.

HR

*by "secreted" I mean "hidden", not "synthesized and discharged from specialized glands". But one can always hope...

Cream-Coloured Ponies

2009-12-07T21:44:00.001-05:00

What: Homemade Cinnamon Gumdrops

To cure boredom at work the other day I ordered some Spearmint and Cinnamon oils online.

They arrived at my house a few days ago nestled in a little box full of packing peanuts. The enclosed invoice informed me that these peanuts were not styrofoam and were instead made of vegetable starches. To get rid of them they can be dissolved in water and poured down the drain, or put out with the household compost.

I licked one to see how it tasted* and sure enough it immediately started dissolving.

The adorable little bottles were one fluid dram (3/4 of a teaspoon). It sounds small, but it is more than enough to make a lot of gumdrops. So I did.

I have never made candy before so I was nervous that I would burn my pots or set the kitchen on fire, but it was actually very straight forward and easy. All you need is a heavy-bottomed saucepan and a candy thermometer and you are on the road to Gumdrop City.

After letting the gumdrop mixture set overnight I sliced them into squares and coated them liberally with sugar. One recipe made so many (~65 gumdrops) that I wish I had separated it and made half cinnamon and half spearmint, but other than that they turned out beautifully.

They held their shape well without being rubbery. The cinnamon oil was potent and I still have enough for 4 or 5 more batches. Hopefully I can enlist an assistant to take some pictures of the actual cooking process next time.

Gumdrops are one of my all time favourite candies. Now that I know how easy they are to make I want to make lots more. These get bonus points for also being vegan. My friends will never have to eat stale corner store candies again...

HR

*starchy

It's That Time of Year...

2009-11-30T20:37:00.017-05:00

What: Peppermint Pig
Where it's from: New York
Cost: Unknown (Purchased by Basia)

My neighbours put up their Christmas lights today. Although it has yet to snow in Toronto, it has become impossible to ignore the fact that winter and the Christmas season are soon to be upon us. I just moved into this neighbourhood, and in the course of unpacking I found a treasure trove of forgotten treats randomly tossed into boxes many months ago. This pig was given to me by the lovely Basia after she played a few shows in New York last fall.

I was a bit puzzled by such a large hard candy, since it would be difficult to eat. Let's be honest: no one really likes jaw breakers. They get sticky and take forever to finish. The pig was very cute but seemed impractical. I looked into it a bit and discovered that what I had was a Peppermint Pig, most likely made in Saratoga Springs, NY.

A small company called Saratoga Sweets has revived an old tradition from that area. Families would purchase a candy pig around Christmastime and pass it around from person to person at their holiday dinner. Each guest would give it a tap with a little mallet and tell a happy story from the previous year.

I had neither the traditional ~~body~~ velvet bag to put the pig in nor any company, so after one last look at his little sad face I unceremoniously dumped him in a plastic bag and smashed him to bits with the smallest hammer I could find.

When I finished waking up the neighbours with my hammering I carefully poured the shards into a bowl and selected the choicest piece. I believe it was the rump.

Remember when I said that I'd had it since last year? Well, it tasted just like a year-old candy cane. Pleasantly pepperminty, but with that odd chewy-crunchy texture of aged candy. I have to admit that I have eaten many stale candy canes in my time and quite like it, so it was not a problem for me.

The rest of the candy carcass has joined the other "bowls of temptation" on my counter. If there are any bits left in a week or so I will mix them into some melted white chocolate to make pepto-bismol-coloured Santa Bark.

Any tradition that involves eating candy and sharing stories with loved ones is a tradition I'm willing to adopt.

Especially if it inspires a song like this one:

9.4/10

In other news...

I have set up a twitter account which you can follow if you want to find out when new posts go up and other little tidbits.

It feels good to write again.

HR

At my door the leaves are falling...

2009-11-25T23:52:00.001-05:00

So...

I may not have posted anything for the last year or so but I have continued to eat weird foods and have resolved to begin writing about it again. So please check back soon to learn about peppermint pigs, limited edition chocolate bars and whatever new things my touring friends bring back from their travels.

And since I am semi-permanently based in Toronto I am going to try to make a few of the treats I have enjoyed.

Happy eating!

HR

Furtive Pickles

2008-07-11T20:55:00.005-04:00

What: Van Holten's Kosher Pickle
When: July 11th
Where: Winnipeg
Cost: $1.29

While going through security at the airport yesterday the guard held open my purse and asked if I had a drink or something inside. Before checking in I had done a quick perusal of the contents of my (admittedly huge and over-stuffed) bag and didn't find any bottles, so I peered past her hands to see what she was talking about.

"Oh, no." I said, "I'm sorry, it's just a pickle."

But not just any pickle. A huge, mutant pickle, floating in brine inside a plastic pouch like an embalmed cucumber fetus. I kept seeing them in gas stations across America but was always inevitably stopped from buying one by disapproving band members.

Once, while perusing the gargantuan pickle selection I looked up to see Bobby just silently shaking his head at me. When Allison would catch me lingering too long in the pickle aisle she would yell, "Don't buy it, you know what it's going to taste like!"

But eventually I couldn't resist the allure of the monster pickle, so I snuck into a gas station sometime near the end of our last American tour and secretly bought the biggest pickle I could find.

For some unknown reason I didn't eat the pickle right away. Instead I carried it around with me like a hidden talisman, all the way back to London and then onto an airplane headed for Winnipeg. Alas, I feared my garlicky good luck charm would not last another trip, so I was forced to eat it this afternoon.

I broke open the pouch, poured out the juice with only a small amount of spillage, and took a big bite. It tasted like a pickle.

A pickle that had been softened by the insides of my purse and the disgusted but tender proddings of an airport security agent. The skin was extremely tough and leathery and the whole thing reminded me of a regular pickle that had somehow escaped being eaten and been left to grow into its natural old age.

Thus ends my brief infatuation with gas station pickles and begins yet another round of dining on questionable convenience store food. We are without our van for all these upcoming festival dates (and therefore will not be frequenting many gas stations) but I will do my best to sample the finest oddities Winnipeg, Dawson City and Calgary have to offer.

3.2/10

HR

Honey, Let Me Be Your Salty Log

2008-05-18T17:41:00.005-04:00

What: Pearson's Salted Nut Roll (King Sized)
When: May 8, 2008
Where: Milwaukee, WI
Cost: Unknown

I know that I should be approaching everything I plan to review with an open mind, but sometimes the name, picture or very idea of some foods make them sound so gross that they will languish for weeks under my bench in the van. Unopened and often smushed, these unlucky items are what I turn to when I am hungry, bored and too lazy to go out wandering amongst the local riff raff in search of a more palatable meal.

It doesn't help that local food offerings are often dauntingly hard to find or ridiculously portioned. It was a good burrito, but three straight meals of burrito are too many.

Milwaukee was fun, but I found myself hanging out in the dressing room by myself (for once) with nothing to do. So I dug around in my purse and found this huge Salted Nut Roll.

It was made of nougat and covered in peanuts, with a thin layer of caramel in between to bind them together. After eating a few bites I realized that I was actually really enjoying it.

Thanks to Dave for buying this, and Staci for recommending it and giving me the courage to try it.

7.9/10

HR

Hotlanta

2008-05-13T23:05:00.005-04:00

What: Stuckey’s Pecan Divinity
When: May 13, 2008
Where: Atlanta, GA
Cost: Unknown (Purchased by Justin)

I happened to be walking by the stage door last night when I overheard the security person say that he had something for Holly. Well, his Southern drawl made it sound more like “Hally” but I still couldn’t help sticking my nose in. And I’m very glad that I did, because otherwise I would not have met Justin who was dropping off a special package of food for my blog.

There was a box with a half-dozen GooGoo Peanut Clusters that I am meant to share with the band but may hoard for myself because I like them so much. He also included a little bit of local flavour with a package of slightly melty Pecan Divinity.

They are manufactured here in Atlanta. I first thought they were marshmallow, but they were actually made of vanilla-flavoured nougat topped with a pecan. Sweet and tasty, they reminded me of the inside of those weird sugary jelly bean eggs you get at Easter.

The entire experience brightened my already sunny day.

8.2/10

HR

T.G.I.F.

2008-05-13T22:47:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was Fryday. The bet that I made to eat no fries for a month was finally over, so I decided to break my fry fast spectacularly. The stars must have been smiling on me, because I emerged from my hotel room in Cookeville, TN to find the sun shining like a beacon above a McDonald’s, a Wendy’s and a Burger King. All in the same parking lot.

Dave, Allison and I split up to the various restaurants and met back at the van loaded up with the biggest fries available. These were subsequently dumped into a spare paper bag and mixed together.

Possibly the best idea I’ve ever had.

The fries were great. First I ate a big, soft Wendy’s french fry, followed by a fistful of extra-salty McDonald’s fries. Of course I was completely unable to finish them, which drew the ire of my bandmates when they discovered the half-empty bag under my seat.

Following this breakfast of champions we went horseback riding in Georgia, stuffed ourselves full of steak and mashed potatoes and then fell asleep about 15 minutes into Batman Begins. It was an indulgent day, to say the least.

I wish that I had given the extra fries to Allison “I will eat your leftover french fries always” Wonderland, but other than that I regret nothing.

10/10

HR

A Mad and Old Faithful Telling

2008-05-04T23:43:00.011-04:00

What: Super Start - A Complete "Hi-Potency" Vitamin and Mineral Packet
When: May 4, 2008
Where: En route to Boise, ID
Cost: Unknown (Purchased by Dave, the bastard.)

Oh, trucker pills. I giggle at them at cash registers because they are ridiculously huge and seem like a very bad idea. Does anyone need to force down 12 pills that contain (by my best estimate) 6000% of the recommended daily intake of every conceivable vitamin, mineral and any other supplement you can think of? Who are the people that buy these things?

Well, I guess Dave is one of those people.

As soon as I realised that he had bought them for me I tried to return the package, but the gas station clerk just laughed at me. So I was stuck with them.

This was at least a week ago. A lot of multivitamins give me a stomach ache and there is something unsettling about swallowing so many different pills, but I was sick of being nagged at about them so I decided to just do it during the long drive to Idaho.

One by one I swallowed the pills as Dave and Allison cheered me on. The pills were as follows:

Beta Carotene 25,000
B-Complex 100 (Sustained Release)
(2) C-Complex 2000 (Sustained Release)
Super Energy Plus
Vitamin E Complex 1000
Vitamin B-12 1000/Octacosanol 1000
Amino Acids 1000
Bee Pollen 1000
(2) Mineral Complex 1000
+ A free herbal energy booster called Ultra Herbal Start

I washed them down with Diet Coke and then immediately fell asleep.

My burps tasted like vitamins for the rest of the day and my urine looked like neon yellow Gatorade from the B-vitamins, but other than that I didn't really feel any different. The Herbal Energy Booster may have made me a little more energetic, but I was also coasting on the adrenalin that surged through my body as soon as I started swallowing a dozen weird looking pills.

I still have my fingers crossed that I will develop muscles like the ones pictured on the package, but that hope is quickly fading.

1.1/10

HR

[Update: Basia has requested that I make it clear that she did not approve of this pharmacological experiment, further ingratiating herself with my mother.]

A Hundred and One Pounds of Fun

2008-04-26T20:45:00.006-04:00

What: Little Debbie Iced Honey Bun
When: Apr. 25, 2008
Where: Salt Lake City, Nevada
Cost: $0.59

I got back into the van after a brief stop to find this Honey Bun waiting for me on my seat. It's scary, but I am quickly learning that I will eat anything that Dave tells me to, including things that I have consciously been avoiding. This bun falls into that category. I see them at every stop and have always felt pretty confident that I know what they taste like. Putting one into my body would be unnecessary and if not harmful than at least not beneficial to my general health and wellbeing.

But there it was, so I ate it.

Honey Buns come either glazed or iced. Neither look particularly appealing, but the iced ones look like they have been dipped in white out. The icing is so thick and opaque that it almost completely smooths out the contours of the bun beneath it.

The bun was softly cinnamoned and not bad. I would have eaten more of it if it weren't drowned in the worst shortening-based icing I have ever tasted. It coated our mouths and drove us to check the nutritional information on the back of the package.

The single bun was 500 calories (240 from fat) and had almost half of my daily fat intake.

Silver lining: It did have 2% of my daily vitamin C.

4.6/10

HR

Rock and Roles

2008-04-20T19:21:00.010-04:00

What: Marinela Choco Roles
When: Early April, 2008
Where: Somewhere on the 401
Cost: Unknown (I forget)

All I can really remember about the purchase of these cakes is that I bought them somewhere in the Southern States. This memory is backed up by the spelling of "Roles". It seems like Spanish, although without Basia (our go-to linguist) around I'm just guessing.

Instead of a more common chocolate or cherry filling, these rolls were pineapple flavoured. This intrigued me. I lost them in the van for a month or so but rediscovered them a few weeks ago. Fortunately, they hadn't quite expired.

Described as "Cream and Pineapple Puree Filled Swiss Rolls", the cakes depicted on the package appear to be bursting with whipped cream and pineapple preserves.

The actual cake bore little resemblance to the cheery confection promised. What little pineapple there was seemed more like runny pineapple-flavoured jello, and the cream was spare and grainy. The cake was dry and coated with brown wax masquerading as chocolate.

If I squeezed the roll in just the right place I could get the pineapple filling to burble out in amusing, snot-like bubbles. Fun, but a definite appetite-killer.

3.6/10

HR

French Fries and Foxy Friends

2008-04-15T23:09:00.014-04:00

While eating breakfast fries out of a greasy paper bag I received a counter offer from my friend, Howard, to stop eating only french fries and instead not eat any fried potatoes for a month. This seemed infinitely less detrimental to my health so I immediately lamed out on the previous bet and got right to eating some equally bad gas station foods.

What: Le Bizz BBQ
When: Apr. 14, 2008
Where: Quebec City
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Laura)

I really wish that I spoke better French, because I would love to know what exactly was in this package. They appeared to be BBQ-flavoured cheese curds. A good friend of mine happens to be living in Quebec City this semester and came to the show with this "gift" for me. Thanks lady.

I have only ever had cheese curds on poutine, so I didn't know how they taste when not all melty and covered in gravy. Dave had some plain curds on his salad (most of the food we ate in Quebec had cheese curds on it) so he gave me one to compare the BBQ-flavoured ones to. I didn't like either, and the only real taste difference that I noticed was that the BBQ ones were much, much saltier.

The opened package looked like someone threw up cheese curds into a plastic pouch. It sort of resembled BBQ chicken to me, making me want to keep trying them even though I really didn't like the taste. Dave and Nick (who will always have my deepest respect for unashamedly purchasing a big bag of beef jerky and a 2-litre bottle of chocolate milk the first time I stopped at a gas station with him) seemed to really like them, and polished off the entire bag. I happily let them.

2.1/10

[Update: Dave gives the curds a 5.8/10. I still stand by my original rating.]

What: Juicy Drop Pop (Citrus Shock)
When: Apr. 13, 2008
Where: Near Montreal
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Dave)

The last thing I want in the morning is a syringe full of sour orange syrup, but I'm incapable of turning down something that has been lovingly picked out and paid for by someone else.

We figured out that you're meant to pull the ring at the bottom, exposing the sucker hidden there. Then you squirt the orange liquid into the little depression on the side to add a burst of sour flavour to the otherwise lackluster lollipop.

It was like licking liquid Tang powder off of a slightly sweet plastic spoon. The two flavours didn't complement each other, and there were too many steps and not enough rewards to keep my attention.

I eventually resorted to squirting the syrup directly into my mouth until I started feeling sick.

3.4/10

What: Cadbury Popping Mini Eggs
When: Apr. 14, 2008
Where: Montreal
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Mike)

I have a feeling that most people tried these over Easter, but I never got the chance so I was happy when Mike picked me up a package somewhere on the way home. I was even happier when he proclaimed that "you suck them slowly and then there's a surprise explosion in your mouth at the end."

I'll miss you Dude.

6.5/10

HR

I may not have my pride, but at least I have $50.

2008-04-12T10:42:00.010-04:00

Last night the drive to Montreal was long and we all were going a little stir-crazy. Bets were made to ease the boredom. I made $30 by walking into a Tim Horton's and ordering a large double-double wearing nothing but my underwear. I will have a further $20 if I can manage to eat only french fries until I get back to London on Monday night. So, instead of posting about something new that I have eaten I guess I will be writing about the food I am dreaming of while brushing the fry salt off my pants.

What: Vitaminwater (Lemonade)
When: As often as I can get my hands on it
Where: The USA
Cost: ~$0.99

It's probably no better for me than regular old water, but it's the best lemonade I have ever tasted. Unlike typical commercial lemonades which are too tart and mouth-coatingly sweet, Vitaminwater is refreshing and lemony without being overpowering. And it has vitamins so it must be good for me.

9.3/10

Sometimes we are fortunate enough to get a free meal out of venues. It's often generic bar food, but occasionally we luck out and get something a little healthier. This chicken caesar wrap with a side of carrots was courtesy of Virginia and the rest of the staff at the Grad Club in Kingston. Very much appreciated.

I'm so hungry.

HR

I Am the Walrus

2008-04-09T21:13:00.007-04:00

What: GooGoo Peanut Butter
When: Mar. 28, 2008
Where: Eaten near Kingston, purchased en route to Chicago
Cost: $0.85

Chicago is the home of Fun, Inc., the World's most famous purveyor of fake vomit. Each rubbery puddle of latex barf is lovingly hand ladled to make the quality products found in gag shops everywhere. It seems fitting then that I acquired this Peanut Butter GooGoo Cluster while driving to Chicago a few weeks ago. I'm not sure whether it reminds me of fake vomit or something a little more crude, but I decided to try it anyway last week.

And I loved it! It was a pretty basic confection, similar to a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup but with whole peanuts squeezed in beneath the chocolate. The filling was smooth and very tasty. I'm surprised that they aren't more readily available.

I will be keeping my eyes open for another GooGoo Cluster when we venture back into the States in a couple of weeks, despite the unappetizing name and appearance.

9.1/10

HR

Totally Tubular, Dude.

2008-04-06T20:43:00.013-04:00

What: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Candy Sticks with Tattoo
When: Apr. 3, 2008
Where: Hamilton, ON
Cost: $0.99

I never really noticed the sneaky ways in which cigarettes are marketed towards children. Cheap, grape-flavoured cigarettes? Those could only be enjoyed by someone young enough to need to pay the neighbourhood hookers to buy cigarettes for them. Too young for that even? These "Candy Sticks" should do the trick.

Raphael and his sai immediately caught my attention in the store. There was a picture of Splinter on the other side and it was the only package left in the display. I bought it, hoping the combined nostalgia of TMNT and coolness of the faux-cigarettes would earn me points with the band.

Despite my frantic posturing I don't think it worked. They don't look like cigarettes at all. They look like skinny sticks of chalk, without even the little bits of red at the tip that I remember from the Popeye Sticks of my childhood. They did taste the same as I remembered: dried sugar paste.

Then our friendly soundguy, Brad, showed up wearing a TMNT sweatshirt, thus obliterating all hope I had of impressing anyone.

The worst part? There was no tattoo. I ripped the package apart to make sure. There weren't any whole sticks in the box, but I carefully poured the broken shards into the outside plastic wrap first to preserve them. These were subsequently tipped onto the floor, and I think a little part of the kid inside me finally gave up and died.

Childhood is overrated anyway.

4.3/10

HR

Grape Cigarettes

2008-03-30T13:30:00.005-04:00

The following post was written by Miss Allison Wonderland. I don't really condone smoking, but I have to admit that having one smoker in the band does give us a little more street cred. Expect to see more of these posts in the coming months, since Allison is as curious about odd tobacco products as I am about unusual food.

What: Swisher Sweets (Grape)
When: Mar. 11, 2008
Where: Purchased in Michigan, smoked in Bloomington, Indiana
Cost: $3.49 for 2

Touring is an unhealthy business. However, as a smoker, being unhealthy is a full time job for me. Although I tend to avoid the gut-destroying food that Holly puts into her body, I find roadside gas stations to be a great source of odd tobacco products.

At a small gas station just across the US-Canada border, we stumbled across a “Huge Cigarettes Sale.” Exciting!

Of all of the varieties and flavours available, the one that caught my eye was a pack of grape flavoured Swisher Sweets Cigars. Two for the price of one! How could a red-blooded tobacco enthusiast such as myself resist?

As soon as I removed the shrink-wrap, an extremely strong cough-syrupesque aroma filled the air. It was to be expected, I suppose, since I’ve rarely come across anything grape-flavoured that DIDN’T smell and taste that way. Grape Jolly Ranchers have never made the contents of my purse smell like grape, though.

No bones about it, these were not very good. Only the filters were flavoured, so the actual smoke didn’t taste of anything but generic cigar smoke. I’m not disappointed by it, since the grape-flavouring tasted about as good as it smelled. A homeless gent walked by as I was smoking, and asked for a cigarette. I offered him one of these, and he politely declined. I find that pretty telling.

So, being stuck with two packs of these presents a personal dilemma. The cheap Irish-Catholic in me can’t bring herself to throw out something I paid money for (sale or no sale). On the other hand, there is no way I’m ever going to smoke the rest of these, even if I’m out of cigarettes and jonesin’ for something to smoke. I managed to unload one on a curious friend of mine, but I’m still stuck with the other. In the meantime, I’m preparing to have a wallet that smells like grape for a while.

AW

Dee-licious!

2008-03-28T16:31:00.007-04:00

What: Faygo Redpop!
When: Mar. 27, 2008
Where: Purchased in Arkansas, consumed en route to Ottawa
Cost: $0.99

The writing on the can actually reads "Genuine Faygo Dee-licious Redpop! Naturally and Artificially Flavored Strawberry Soda". I cracked it open while bored and thirsty in the van. Water would probably have been a better choice, but I have a reputation to protect.

I should have learned by now that opening a can of weirdly flavoured pop while sitting in the back of the van is a bad idea. There are no cup holders, so if the strange brew proves too gross to be finished I am stuck holding it in my hands until the next stop. I tried passing the can around the van for the rest of the band to try, desperately hoping that someone would drink the rest. It eventually came back to me only slightly emptier but with a lot more cooties.

It tasted like bad cream soda. After a couple of sips I thought I could taste a faint undercurrent of melted strawberry candy, but on the whole it did not live up to the "Strawberry Soda" label. It was definitely red pop though. Unsettlingly red pop. It smelled a lot worse than it tasted and was way too sweet to be refreshing.

3.2/10

This post is dedicated to Chris, who has grudgingly become my uncredited photographer and assistant (see his finger holding the pop can above), as well as the rest of the band who also take pictures, pick out food for me, and feed me vitamins to keep the ever-looming danger of scurvy at bay. Thanks guys.

HR

Now With More Bull Bile

2008-03-27T02:55:00.009-04:00

What: Snickers Charged
When: Mar. 26, 2008
Where: Peterborough, ON
Cost: $0.99

Does chocolate-covered caramel and nougat really need added caffeine, taurine and B-vitamins? Snickers seems to think so. I picked up this special edition chocolate bar in the States, where the caffeine laws are not as strict as they are in Canada.

Circumstances prevented me from getting coffee this morning, so I decided to try the chocolate bar instead.

I split it with our Soundy, Chris. I can't actually remember the last time I tried a Snickers bar, but he assured me that it tasted exactly like a normal Snickers should (despite being slightly deformed from traveling through extreme weather conditions with us).

The caffeine did indeed prevent me from falling asleep during the relatively brief drive to Peterborough, although a large coffee would have been warmer and thus more satisfying.

7.1/10

HR

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T21:47:00.006-04:00

I hope the Easter Bunny was kinder to you all.

My time off has been spent stuffing myself full of vegetables, preparing for the next few weeks. I can't wait to see what Ontario's Gas Stations have to offer.

HR

Drove to Chicago

2008-03-18T20:50:00.017-04:00

What: Hostess Pudding Pie (Chocolate)
When: Mar. 16, 2008
Where: Somewhere between Arkansas and Illinois.
Cost: $0.99

While driving I found myself feeling a bit peckish. Bobby passed up this Pudding Pie that I had secreted in the basket of oddities that I keep in the back of the van. This is where the weird food that I buy awaits eating, nestled among packets of lemon juice and honey, cutlery and a couple books of Madlibs.

If you want to learn more about someone's psyche than you probably should, try playing Madlibs with them. It's enlightening.

Basia excitedly photographed me as I unwrapped the package and took my first bite. Mike thought it looked like a Pillsbury Pizza Pocket, and it did. Except it was full of chocolate pudding.

The whole thing was surprisingly heavy, making me glad that I didn't check the calorie count on the back. I really enjoyed the first few bites. The pie crust was more dense than ideal, but it was crisp and had a tasteful, light glaze. I like chocolate pudding, and found myself thinking that this was probably the best method of pudding delivery currently available.

Unfortunately (why is there always an "unfortunately"?), as I ate towards the centre of the pie the pudding-to-crust ratio increased and I became aware of an oddly tangy flavour that should not accompany a good chocolate pudding. It eventually became too much to ignore, and I was forced to throw out the half-eaten pie.

The proof of the pudding pie is in the eating, and it seems that Hostess has let me down again. A smart person might just accept that it is impossible for baked goods to be fresh and tasty yet well-preserved enough to stock a bomb shelter, and would therefore stop purchasing them.

I won't be stopping anytime soon.

5.8/10

HR

I Miss Vegetables

2008-03-16T04:21:00.010-04:00

What: Funyuns Brand Onion Flavored Rings
When: Mar. 13, 2008
Where: Somewhere in Texas
Cost: $1.29

Funyuns are not uncommon. I see them every time I look for chips, but neither I nor any of my friends have ever tried one.

They look and taste exactly like crispy onion rings, without the real onion centre. I enjoyed the crunchiness, and liked that the onion flavour was not overpoweringly strong.

7.1/10

What: Dale Jr’s Big Mo’ (Peanut Butter)
When: Mar. 15, 2008
Where: Austin, TX
Cost: $1.29

I suspect that the same people who buy Funyuns are the target market for this Dale Earnhardt Jr.-endorsed chocolate bar. It was also only available in king-size.

I think that chocolate tastes better the warmer it is (which is why I don’t really like chocolate chips in my ice cream). The Texas sun warmed this chocolate up perfectly, so it was soft but not melty. The filling was smooth and delicious, making me glad that I had chosen peanut butter instead of caramel. I would definitely buy this chocolate bar again.

You know, I wonder what Dale Jr. does to pass the time in the car. Sleep (a.k.a. Nature’s Timewaster) is number one for Allison and me. When I’m driving I play a game I like to call “Counting Stuff”. Recent counts have included dead skunks in Oklahoma (7), anti-pornography billboards in Texas (5) and deer in Arkansas (36!). Alas, my cute trucker count remains at zero.

8.3/10

What: Atkinson’s Chick-O-Stick
When: Mar. 15, 2008
Where: Forest City, Arkansas
Cost: $0.25

This was recommended to me by someone who knows that I like trying weird food from service stations. He also told me that I probably wouldn’t like it, and he was right. It was a rod made of something similar to the inside of a Butterfinger, with coconut added. Not my favourite. I do like suggestions though, so please keep them coming.

3.2/10

I was sad to leave Austin this afternoon. We played some fun shows, ate a lot of BBQ and made new friends. It was also great to meet up with friends from other touring bands, since we are so rarely in the same city at the same time.

Also, please check out Who Killed the Mix Tape?. We met Justin and Ben in Boston, where they interviewed Basia and encouraged me to start this blog.

Next Up: Hostess Pudding Pie

HR

Update: I have added random (a.k.a. Pitchfork-style) numbers to the reviews. This will continue in all posts from now on.

Got Our Kicks

2008-03-14T03:03:00.015-04:00

What: Dinty Moore Scalloped Potatoes and Ham
When: Mar. 13, 2008
Where: Purchased in Michigan, eaten in Austin, TX
Cost: $1.89

When Mike pointed this tub out to me I knew immediately that I had to buy it. It took me a few days to finally work up the courage to try it.

Believe it or not, I was anticipating this moment all day. 15-hours is a long time to be in a van without something to look forward to.

I don't really like scalloped potatoes, nor do I eat a lot of ham. When I took the small plastic tub out of the microwave an oily film had developed on the surface of the sauce. After I mixed it up it looked a little bit more like food, although it was still worryingly grey.

Honestly, these potatoes weren't as bad as they looked. They just tasted like reconstituted potatoes in a generic gravy-like sauce, with chunks of really salty ham. I actually ate about half the tub without realizing it.

An excellent choice? I'll have to take their word for it, since I cannot foresee myself ever trying another brand of Scalloped Potatoes and Ham.

What: Sifers Valomilk
When: Mar. 13, 2008
Where: Austin, TX
Cost: $0.89

These were the most interesting things I saw all day. I bought them in a gas station that we stopped at as soon as we crossed into Texas. Old-timey packaging and weird slogans ("The Original 'Flowing Center' Candy Cups") get me every time.

These cups had the weirdest filling. It was solid and liquid at the same time. It didn't really matter that it had a horrible, sort of milky flavour. I had quite a bit of fun just watching it ooze out into a little white puddle.

If I were a science teacher I would buy these to give out at Halloween. Otherwise I think I would stay clear of them.

What: de la Rosa Dulce de Cacahuate/Peanuts Confection
When: Mar. 13, 2008
Where: Austin, TX
Cost: $0.65

Allison and Basia have both repeatedly pointed out to me that the food I review doesn't necessarily have to be bad. I seem to be drawn to the gross stuff, but after the last two tests I had to agree with them. I was desperate for something tasty.

Fortunately this Mexican confection fit the bill. It was a very crumbly puck that tasted like it was made purely of icing sugar and powdered peanut butter (if such a thing exists). Very enjoyable for someone with a sweet tooth as well-developed as mine.

Thank god.

Next Up: Atkinson's Chick-O-Stick

HR

Whither Texas

2008-03-11T20:37:00.024-04:00

What: Mrs. Freshley's Red Velvet Creme Cakes
When: Late-February, 2008
Where: Near Philadelphia
Cost: $0.99

These snack cakes looked like moist, lightly squished Twinkies, dyed a deep red. Well actually, the first thing I thought of when I looked at these cakes was that they looked like two perfect, vacuum-sealed bloody stool samples.

I'm sorry.

Red velvet cake is a type of chocolate cake. If I remember correctly, the red colour used to be a natural by-product of the cocoa reacting with other ingredients. Buttermilk, probably. The cocoa that we use nowadays is different, thus requiring large amounts of food colouring to turn boring old brown chocolate cake into the vivid red seen here.

Surprisingly, Mrs. Freshley seems to have done away with the cocoa altogether. These impostor cakes tasted exactly like Twinkies, with a VERY strong aftertaste of food-colouring. And creme filling, of course.

What: Hostess Banana Twinkies
When: Late-February, 2008
Where: Near Nashville
Cost: $0.99

These looked and tasted like regular Twinkies with the creme filling replaced with banana-flavoured children's antibiotics.

Pretty gross.

This is the last of my backlogged reviews. I have decided to take it easy on the creme filled cakes. Mostly because I hate the word "creme" so much.

Next Up: Dinty Moore Scalloped Potatoes and Ham

HR

I Ate Yr. Cherry Bomb

2008-03-09T12:56:00.012-04:00

What: Christopher's Big Cherry
When: Late-February, 2008
Where: Purchased in Idaho
Cost: $0.99

The Idahoian equivalent of the yellow-boxed chocolate-covered cherries I occasionally see (but have never tried) in corner stores at home. They have always been the example I use when talking about candies that look so unappetizing that I can't understand why a store would stock them at all. I waited about a week after buying this Big Cherry before I tried it.

Immediately after I cautiously bit into it, someone called it a "bloody-jizz-filled turd". While not entirely accurate (the pink filling was solid, not runny), this caused me to giggle uncontrollably, unable to finish the bite I was chewing. I didn't try to take another one.

Other than being sickly-sweet, the Big Cherry was actually fairly inoffensive. The outside layer was not solid chocolate. Rather, it was a hefty, malleable mixture of chocolate, crushed nuts and coconut.

The filling was shockingly pink and tasted faintly like cherries. It had the texture of a year-old Cadbury Creme Egg.

All this was centered around a cherry, of course.

The whole thing reminded me of a cherry-flavoured nanaimo bar wrapped around a candied cherry. Not bad, but not something I would buy again.

We're heading back down into the States tomorrow, on our way to Austin, TX. I will be dutifully keeping my eyes open and my stomach full while I'm gone.

Next Up: Mrs. Freshley's Red Velvet Creme Cakes

HR

Ever wonder what the Hulk's balls taste like?

2008-03-06T17:26:00.002-05:00

Wonder no longer.

What: Hostess Lucky Puffs
When: Feb. 29, 2008
Where: NYC
Cost: Unknown (purchased by Allison)

I have always avoided the Sno-ball rack of the Twinkie aisle. In truth, I never would have tried these green, St. Patty's-themed puffs if they had not been purchased for me. I can't imagine why anyone would willingly choose a Sno-ball over pretty much anything else that a gas station has to offer.

They are four layers of neon grossness.

Layer #1: Green Coconut.

There is just enough coconut to turn a coconut-hater off, but not enough to make the puff coconut-flavoured. So what is the point? Maybe it is there to give the food colouring something to adhere to.

Layer #2: Marshmallow.

Typical low-quality marshmallow. It was really dry and spongy, and made it hard to swallow. After the first two bites I peeled it off. Mike almost ate it, but was stopped by the pork gelatin listed in the ingredients. He still doesn't realize how lucky he was.

Layer #3: Chocolate Cake.

Are all Sno-balls chocolate flavoured? I had always assumed that they were white. This one was very dry, chocolatey cake. Not really great, but I did finish it once I had removed the marshmallow.

Layer #4: Creme Filling.

Your standard Hostess creme. I wanted there to be a LOT more of it. This shows how bad and dry the puff was, considering that the creme usually tastes vaguely like chemicals and should not be eaten in large amounts.

My advice to those reading at home: Don't eat these.

My advice to the Leprechaun on the package: If sitting on your pot of gold turns your "puffs" green, it's probably not real gold.

Next up: Big Cherry.

HR

Eating my way through the USA.

2008-03-03T22:55:00.001-05:00

So, lately I’ve spent a lot of time and money in gas stations. Our big red van needs gas and we need breakfast (and sometimes lunch and dinner). Over the last few months my diet has slowly devolved into an unhealthy mix of cheeseburgers, diet coke, and whatever free food we can get from the venues we are playing at. I keep things interesting by scouring the shelves of service stations along the way. Rest stops are all mostly the same, but often have a few regional differences to amuse even the weariest of travelers. These weird pastries or unusual chocolate bars were forgotten as quickly as I could eat (or not eat - I’m looking at you Mallow Cups) them, until it was decided that a blog should be started. The band has jumped on board frighteningly quickly, procuring me disgusting “delights” and photo-documenting some of my most recent gustatory adventures.

Now that I have a week back at home I’m going to try to write a few reviews and figure out how to blog like a pro. Stay tuned as I go to Austin, Southern Ontario and Quebec and then embark on yet another month-long tour of the US.

HR